What's The Meaning Of All This

During my time on this planet, I have often pondered the meaning of life. I have asked myself time and again – “why am I here and what is my purpose?”

I would drive myself mad trying to work out what the grand plan was. Would I be destined for greatness? Was I here to save a life, to make an amazing discovery? To become an artist or a musician? I had no idea, so I just got a normal job, led a normal life and did the best I could.

I stopped asking the question “what is the meaning of all this?”

The years passed. I carried on each day, riding a figurative roller coaster. Up one minute, down the next, seeing things wonderful and terrible.

I tore myself apart for not being good enough, not being pretty enough and not being enough in general. I tried to shape myself into all the things I thought I should be, worrying more about the wrapping than the gift inside. For years and years I loathed myself for my inadequacy.

The bits between now and then are sprinkled throughout the stories you will find in my blog. I won’t elaborate on them here, but from the lows and the highs and everything that falls between, here is what I’ve learned.

Happiness comes when you relax. Sometimes I dress up, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I wear make up and sometimes I go out with a bare and exposed face. Both are okay and nobody has died from seeing me as I am beneath the mask.

Happiness comes when you love. When you love yourself and you love other people, life is better. Spending time working on being beautiful on the inside is more important than a flat stomach or a thigh gap. We will, God willing, grow old. Things will droop, but as long as our heart remains perky we will be okay.

Happiness comes from doing what you love. For me it is writing and sharing my stories in the hope it can bring solace, comfort and inspiration to another person. Find a pursuit you love and embrace it. If you can’t do it for a living do it as a hobby. Who knows where it could lead you. Even if it goes nowhere, your heart will be full while you are lost in joy.

Happiness comes when we grow. We aren’t perfect – nobody is. Where would be the fun in that? Challenge yourself. You don’t need to burst through your boundaries but stretch them a little. Learn a new chord, write a new song, learn a new dance routine or in my case, buy a domain name for your blog and put yourself out there. Challenge yourself and feel proud that you did. Whether you achieve what you set out to do or you don’t, you will have tried and that is amazing. That is what matters.

So, when I think about the meaning of life I think of all these things and realise it is surprisingly simple and profound.

Be happy and love each other in every way you can.

I genuinely love you all and hope you do too because you are special and beautiful and full of magic.

Shine brightly.

xx

Recovery Is...

Recovery is the space in between. The peaceful moments that separate anxiety attacks and depressive episodes.

Recovery is knowing you may go through it all again, but understanding you will come out the other side stronger and more equipped to deal with it the next time.

Recovery is learning about yourself and what makes you tick. Learning your triggers, knowing the warning signs so you can take yourself out of the situation while the power is still yours; before the depression or the panic takes the reigns.

Recovery is taking each day as it comes with no expectations and no judgement.

Recovery is knowing you matter. Knowing that your condition doesn’t devalue your worth and your importance.

Recovery is being kind to yourself and respectful of the fact you have a condition. Loving that bit of yourself too, because it is a part of who you are.

Recovery is having a panic attack, but not berating yourself afterwards.

Recovery is feeling comfortable enough to know and respect your boundaries and finding ways to work within them whilst still moving forward.

Recovery is ongoing and continuous.

Recovery is a lesson to be learned and an oportunity to grow.

Recovery is wonderful.

Recovery is yours for the taking.

Once Upon a Time

Chapter One

I once lived with someone and she was awful. She wouldn’t let me eat and she tried to control every decision I ever made. Whenever she looked at me the criticism would begin.

“You’re fat”.

“You’re ugly”.

“You’re fat and you are ugly. Nobody will ever love you”.

At first I would try not to listen, but over time she got louder and more persistent, more aggressive and much more spiteful. She controlled what I ate (if I ate) And when. Little by little, so I didn’t even notice, she took over my entire life. At first it was small things like treats and snacks…

“You shouldn’t eat that… think of your figure”.

Sometimes I’d ignore her warnings and eat them anyway but then I’d spend the rest of the day listening to her screaming and berating me. In the end it just became easier to submit to her will. She broke my heart, my spirit and my mind until I had no idea how to move away from her. I didn’t know how to exist without her in my life.

I gave my confidence away to her a piece at a time until it was all gone. She locked it away in a cupboard and wore the key around her neck like a medal. She was the victor and I was defeated.

If I wanted to go out I would need to strike up the most elaborate of bargains. 2 hours exercise for a low calorie meal out with friends. She would always have to come along, the gooseberry nobody wanted, but couldn’t seem to shake. Making sure I didn’t cheat or have too much fun. Whenever I spoke, she would snigger and snort with disgust, mimic my words back to me over and over so I’d know how stupid I sounded.

I was tired all the time – tired of her, tired of life. She didn’t care. She hated me and needed me to suffer. It was exhausting and I was exhausted. I would see people laughing, enjoying life, enjoying food and wish I could have some of that happiness, but my companion had convinced me by now that one bite of food would result in an immediate weight gain and render me even more unlovable than I already was. She had convinced me that I had nothing of worth to contribute to the world. The only hope I had of having any value in society was to follow her rules. I stopped going out. I cried a lot. I battled against food when I should have been battling her. Every meal was a major decision. A debate, a panic, attack, nausea and tiny bites. It was horrible. She was always there.

Chapter Two

I once lived with someone. She moved in first and I saw there was a vacancy so I moved in shortly after. My god, she was pathetic. She would believe anything I told her and since I like to mess with people’s heads we were a great match. I’d tell her she was fat and the stupid woman believed me. I’d say she was ugly and dead inside and she’d believe that too – not at first because these things take time so I had to chip away. Little by little she gave herself away. Sometimes she cried and that disgusted me, she was so weak. Sometimes she’d try and stand up to me and that would enrage me more – HOW DARE SHE!

Sometimes I’d scream angrily at her and others little whispers were more effective.

Ugly girl. Fat girl. Stupid Girl. Useless Girl. Lazy Girl. Nothing Girl.

After a time it stopped being a game. I genuinely hated her and I needed her to go, to move out and take her patheticness with her. The snivelling, the tears, the constant fear that she seemed to wallow in irritated me. All I could do was continue to control her in the hope she would turn into a more bearable companion.

Some chance!

Chapter Three

I knew I couldn’t carry on like this. One of us had to leave. I thought it would most certainly be me. I was so weak, so tired from trying to fight a much stronger foe. An opponent that had me completely controlled and trapped in a house she had painted grey. She had locked all the doors and closed the curtains.

But, as luck would have it, even when the curtains are closed sometimes a crack is all that is needed to let enough light shine inside to show you a way out. For me, that light was a book It wasn’t about anxiety, depression, eating disorders or how to get rid of an annoying housemate. It was about love and hope and kindness and joy and it was so profound that it spoke to my soul and made me believe that it was actually possible to climb out of the pit of despair I had fallen into..

A joyful spark resonated within me and started to grow. It was a slow process and the companion I lived with stayed with me for a long time, shouting her abuse, manipulating my thoughts and undermining my confidence. But over time I learned how to pay less attention to her and more attention to me. I was able to ignore the nasty comments and the mockery more often that I was responding to them. I was remembering who I was, growing stronger and stronger until one day I looked for her and found she was gone. I started to do things again, to find joy in things. I was able to love myself a little bit and to eat without guilt or self loathing.

Chapter Four 

I’m not sure what changed, but one day she started getting stronger. I tried screaming louder. I tried being more cruel. I tried so hard to keep my grip around her neck, but she stepped back and refused to listen. I kept trying and every now and then I’d get through. She would cry or give up for a time, but then she’d get back up again, faster and stronger. The game wasn’t fun any more. I’d had enough and there was no point sticking around so I packed my things and walked away without a word.

Chapter Five

I put some paint on the walls, bright and beautiful. I was waking up as if from a long sleep. I opened the curtains, unlocked the door, stepped outside and took a deep breath. The colours were stunning, the air sweet and the world beautiful once again. I stepped forward, ready to take my place back in the world, to be a beautiful part of it and to live my life happily ever after.

The book I read, if anyone would like to read it is The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. It isn’t a religious book but it is a spiritual one and although it isn’t about how to beat depression or anorexia or anything else, I do credit it for helping me turn the corner to start on the path to wellness. It’s definitely worth a read.

 

Spring

Depression is the winter of the soul, but spring will come if we can just hold on.

It won’t be long, I can feel it in the air. The days are getting longer and the night is ebbing away. My heart is starting to flutter with the excitement of renewal. I adore the spring and all it brings with it. I am ready to be renewed.

I think one of the things that makes depression worse in the winter (and for me it always is) is the way it screams of our own mortality. Everything dies, the leaves are gone from the trees, leaving them bare, the flowers are vanished and the birds don’t sing. Everything is cold, lifeless and seemingly barren. It’s harder to feel joy when everything around you is bleak.

But winter doesn’t last forever and we will come through it. We just have to wait it out, plant seeds for the spring and wrap up warm.

Little by little the winter will yield to the spring. The snowdrops will flower, the daffodils will bud soon after and wait for their turn to open, the blue skies will become more frequent and the days will draw out. Colours will start bleeding into the picture like a massive celebration of life and the birds will sing again, the warm air carrying their music to our ears. We will be awakened from the hibernation of our spirit and our peace.

Everything will be reborn and with it will come hope. Warmer, sunnier days are on the horizon.

Hold on.

Breathe

When it all gets too much, remember to breathe. More than that, focus everything on your breath for a short time and bring yourself back to where you are. Nothing is as bad as you feel it is in those moments of panic. Try, if you can, to get it under control before it takes control of you. It’s not easy, not always, but it can be done and it gets easier with practice. Focus on your breath and a try little self talk.

Close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so. Block out your surroundings for a few brief moments. Go somewhere quiet in your mind, somewhere you feel safe. A forest, an island, your house, it doesn’t matter.

Feel your feet on the ground. Notice your body. Drink in the fresh air and feel it filling your lungs and bringing you back.

Breathe in and feel calmness start to swell within you.

Breathe out your worries and let them drift off to some far away place. Watch them go in your minds eye until they are so small and so far away, you can’t recognise them anymore.

Breathe in and count to ten slowly.

Breathe out and count again.

Feeling calmer with every breath.

Breathe in and feel your body and soul being filled with warm light, calming and soothing.

Breathe out any stresses or tensions still lingering within you.

Breathe in and feel your heart filling with love and let that love wash over you until it becomes you and you become it.

There’s nothing to frightened of or anxious about. Let it go. Breathe it out.

Feel your feet on the ground and breathe.

You will be okay.

Just breathe.

Storms

Storms may ravage us, but we can rebuild.

It was the day after storm Doris and the air wass fresh, the sky blue, the birds were singing, and everything felt serene. If somebody had just arrived, they would have had no idea of the violence of yesterday’s weather.

That’s how I feel when a low has passed. The serenity, the calm, and the sense of hope that I can start building again. I can begin to put back together that which the wind has torn asunder. It might never be as it was, I might never be the same but I can rebuild, make something new, maybe something better.

When we are inside it, it feels like we won’t make it out alive. The meloncholy, the pain of a grief that you don’t understand the bewilderment of not wanting to feel this way but somehow feeling solace in the familiarity of it all. We don’t know when the wind will ease or if there is worse to come. The uncertainty is the worst part.

As the wind blows us this way and that, we feel we wont ever find peace. We are lost at sea.

When the winds drop, the rain stops and the skies clear, that is the moment to take control. Do it before the next storm comes. Start learning about the climate of your mind. Learn the signs before the next low comes. Learn how to build a sea wall, a stronger roof.

The trees that don’t blow down in then wind aren’t the strongest ones or the most steadfast but the ones that move with the wind, that let themselves be flexible. We have to be the same. If something isn’t working we need to find new ways to do it. We need to move with the wind of our circumstance.

If you can weather the storm, brighter days and better things will come. When you’re in it, it doesn’t feel that way. The eye of the storm is a dark, silent, lonely place. How could you believe it would ever end or improve? The truth is, you can’t. All you can do is keep fighting, keep moving forward with your head down, braced against the wind. I don’t mean keep going as if nothing is wrong. Ask for help, tell someone you aren’t okay. There is strength in numbers.

Change

I hate change, or at least I’m not very good at it. I’ve never liked it and have always found it unsettling. Whether it was starting at a new school, a new job, a new relationship there would be the anxiety, the tears and the sure and certain knowledge I’d fail. It would disorientate me and knock me off my feet leaving me swimming, unable to find the ground beneath me. I would flounder and gasp and try to swim until I was able to grope and grapple my way back to the surface and clamber back to solid ground.

Those are the hard parts, the moments where the ground starts to shift and I have to try to rediscover my surroundings, keeping my head above water, trying not to let anyone down and never letting anyone see that I’m flailing.

I’m not sure if it’s genuinely change that scares me or the likelyhood of failing but either way, things do change and that’s life. Without change there’d be no progress and no growth. As scary as it is, we have to try and move with the current or we’ll drown fighting against it. The question is how? How do we do the thing that scares us most?  

I’m coming to realise in the bits in between that the way to deal with it is simply to do what comes next. Don’t worry about the distance left to travel, focus on the next step. Do what needs doing now, the rest will fall into place in time (and if it doesn’t you can deal with that when it comes along). If you just keep doing what’s next, not looking forward beyond that, you’ll be amazed when you look back and see how far you’ve come. I know, because I just looked back and realised that actually, despite a minor setback I’m doing okay. My head is what it is and I may struggle in areas but in others I’m good at what I do. I just need to give myself the space to do it.

A caterpillar doesn’t sit and fret about how it’s going to transform into a butterfly. If it did it would drive itself mad with worry. After all, how exactly does one grow wings and fly? The caterpillar just caterpillars along doing whatever it is that a caterpillar does and it lets life takes care of the rest. 

Life can seem very overwhelming but I think that’s partly because we jump from here to there in our mind in one giant leap, not allowing ourself time to grow into the changes, expecting a caterpillar to fly.

Everything will be okay, it always is. We just need to worry less, swim with the current, fly when we’re ready, take the paths to unknown destinations one step at a time and trust that the details will work themselves out.