The Joyful Spark: 2020

Dec 15, 2020

What's The Meaning Of All This

During my time on this planet, I have often pondered the meaning of life. I have asked myself time and again – “why am I here and what is my purpose?”

I would drive myself mad trying to work out what the grand plan was. Would I be destined for greatness? Was I here to save a life, to make an amazing discovery? To become an artist or a musician? I had no idea, so I just got a normal job, led a normal life and did the best I could.

I stopped asking the question “what is the meaning of all this?”

The years passed. I carried on each day, riding a figurative roller coaster. Up one minute, down the next, seeing things wonderful and terrible.

I tore myself apart for not being good enough, not being pretty enough and not being enough in general. I tried to shape myself into all the things I thought I should be, worrying more about the wrapping than the gift inside. For years and years I loathed myself for my inadequacy.

The bits between now and then are sprinkled throughout the stories you will find in my blog. I won’t elaborate on them here, but from the lows and the highs and everything that falls between, here is what I’ve learned.

Happiness comes when you relax. Sometimes I dress up, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I wear make up and sometimes I go out with a bare and exposed face. Both are okay and nobody has died from seeing me as I am beneath the mask.

Happiness comes when you love. When you love yourself and you love other people, life is better. Spending time working on being beautiful on the inside is more important than a flat stomach or a thigh gap. We will, God willing, grow old. Things will droop, but as long as our heart remains perky we will be okay.

Happiness comes from doing what you love. For me it is writing and sharing my stories in the hope it can bring solace, comfort and inspiration to another person. Find a pursuit you love and embrace it. If you can’t do it for a living do it as a hobby. Who knows where it could lead you. Even if it goes nowhere, your heart will be full while you are lost in joy.

Happiness comes when we grow. We aren’t perfect – nobody is. Where would be the fun in that? Challenge yourself. You don’t need to burst through your boundaries but stretch them a little. Learn a new chord, write a new song, learn a new dance routine or in my case, buy a domain name for your blog and put yourself out there. Challenge yourself and feel proud that you did. Whether you achieve what you set out to do or you don’t, you will have tried and that is amazing. That is what matters.

So, when I think about the meaning of life I think of all these things and realise it is surprisingly simple and profound.

Be happy and love each other in every way you can.

I genuinely love you all and hope you do too because you are special and beautiful and full of magic.

Shine brightly.

Recovery Is...

Recovery is the space in between. The peaceful moments that separate anxiety attacks and depressive episodes.

Recovery is knowing you may go through it all again, but understanding you will come out the other side stronger and more equipped to deal with it the next time.

Recovery is learning about yourself and what makes you tick. Learning your triggers, knowing the warning signs so you can take yourself out of the situation while the power is still yours; before the depression or the panic takes the reigns.

Recovery is taking each day as it comes with no expectations and no judgement.

Recovery is knowing you matter. Knowing that your condition doesn’t devalue your worth and your importance.

Recovery is being kind to yourself and respectful of the fact you have a condition. Loving that bit of yourself too, because it is a part of who you are.

Recovery is having a panic attack, but not berating yourself afterwards.

Recovery is feeling comfortable enough to know and respect your boundaries and finding ways to work within them whilst still moving forward.

Recovery is ongoing and continuous.

Recovery is a lesson to be learned and an oportunity to grow.

Recovery is wonderful.

Recovery is yours for the taking.

Once Upon a Time

Chapter One

I once lived with someone and she was awful. She wouldn’t let me eat and she tried to control every decision I ever made. Whenever she looked at me the criticism would begin.

“You’re fat”.

“You’re ugly”.

“You’re fat and you are ugly. Nobody will ever love you”.

At first I would try not to listen, but over time she got louder and more persistent, more aggressive and much more spiteful. She controlled what I ate (if I ate) And when. Little by little, so I didn’t even notice, she took over my entire life. At first it was small things like treats and snacks…

“You shouldn’t eat that… think of your figure”.

Sometimes I’d ignore her warnings and eat them anyway but then I’d spend the rest of the day listening to her screaming and berating me. In the end it just became easier to submit to her will. She broke my heart, my spirit and my mind until I had no idea how to move away from her. I didn’t know how to exist without her in my life.

I gave my confidence away to her a piece at a time until it was all gone. She locked it away in a cupboard and wore the key around her neck like a medal. She was the victor and I was defeated.

If I wanted to go out I would need to strike up the most elaborate of bargains. 2 hours exercise for a low calorie meal out with friends. She would always have to come along, the gooseberry nobody wanted, but couldn’t seem to shake. Making sure I didn’t cheat or have too much fun. Whenever I spoke, she would snigger and snort with disgust, mimic my words back to me over and over so I’d know how stupid I sounded.

I was tired all the time – tired of her, tired of life. She didn’t care. She hated me and needed me to suffer. It was exhausting and I was exhausted. I would see people laughing, enjoying life, enjoying food and wish I could have some of that happiness, but my companion had convinced me by now that one bite of food would result in an immediate weight gain and render me even more unlovable than I already was. She had convinced me that I had nothing of worth to contribute to the world. The only hope I had of having any value in society was to follow her rules. I stopped going out. I cried a lot. I battled against food when I should have been battling her. Every meal was a major decision. A debate, a panic, attack, nausea and tiny bites. It was horrible. She was always there.

Chapter Two

I once lived with someone. She moved in first and I saw there was a vacancy so I moved in shortly after. My god, she was pathetic. She would believe anything I told her and since I like to mess with people’s heads we were a great match. I’d tell her she was fat and the stupid woman believed me. I’d say she was ugly and dead inside and she’d believe that too – not at first because these things take time so I had to chip away. Little by little she gave herself away. Sometimes she cried and that disgusted me, she was so weak. Sometimes she’d try and stand up to me and that would enrage me more – HOW DARE SHE!

Sometimes I’d scream angrily at her and others little whispers were more effective.

Ugly girl. Fat girl. Stupid Girl. Useless Girl. Lazy Girl. Nothing Girl.

After a time it stopped being a game. I genuinely hated her and I needed her to go, to move out and take her patheticness with her. The snivelling, the tears, the constant fear that she seemed to wallow in irritated me. All I could do was continue to control her in the hope she would turn into a more bearable companion.

Some chance!

Chapter Three

I knew I couldn’t carry on like this. One of us had to leave. I thought it would most certainly be me. I was so weak, so tired from trying to fight a much stronger foe. An opponent that had me completely controlled and trapped in a house she had painted grey. She had locked all the doors and closed the curtains.

But, as luck would have it, even when the curtains are closed sometimes a crack is all that is needed to let enough light shine inside to show you a way out. For me, that light was a book It wasn’t about anxiety, depression, eating disorders or how to get rid of an annoying housemate. It was about love and hope and kindness and joy and it was so profound that it spoke to my soul and made me believe that it was actually possible to climb out of the pit of despair I had fallen into..

A joyful spark resonated within me and started to grow. It was a slow process and the companion I lived with stayed with me for a long time, shouting her abuse, manipulating my thoughts and undermining my confidence. But over time I learned how to pay less attention to her and more attention to me. I was able to ignore the nasty comments and the mockery more often that I was responding to them. I was remembering who I was, growing stronger and stronger until one day I looked for her and found she was gone. I started to do things again, to find joy in things. I was able to love myself a little bit and to eat without guilt or self loathing.

Chapter Four

I’m not sure what changed, but one day she started getting stronger. I tried screaming louder. I tried being more cruel. I tried so hard to keep my grip around her neck, but she stepped back and refused to listen. I kept trying and every now and then I’d get through. She would cry or give up for a time, but then she’d get back up again, faster and stronger. The game wasn’t fun any more. I’d had enough and there was no point sticking around so I packed my things and walked away without a word.

Chapter Five

I put some paint on the walls, bright and beautiful. I was waking up as if from a long sleep. I opened the curtains, unlocked the door, stepped outside and took a deep breath. The colours were stunning, the air sweet and the world beautiful once again. I stepped forward, ready to take my place back in the world, to be a beautiful part of it and to live my life happily ever after.

The book I read, if anyone would like to read it is The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. It isn’t a religious book but it is a spiritual one and although it isn’t about how to beat depression or anorexia or anything else, I do credit it for helping me turn the corner to start on the path to wellness. It’s definitely worth a read.

Spring

Depression is the winter of the soul, but spring will come if we can just hold on.

It won’t be long, I can feel it in the air. The days are getting longer and the night is ebbing away. My heart is starting to flutter with the excitement of renewal. I adore the spring and all it brings with it. I am ready to be renewed.

I think one of the things that makes depression worse in the winter (and for me it always is) is the way it screams of our own mortality. Everything dies, the leaves are gone from the trees, leaving them bare, the flowers are vanished and the birds don’t sing. Everything is cold, lifeless and seemingly barren. It’s harder to feel joy when everything around you is bleak.

But winter doesn’t last forever and we will come through it. We just have to wait it out, plant seeds for the spring and wrap up warm.

Little by little the winter will yield to the spring. The snowdrops will flower, the daffodils will bud soon after and wait for their turn to open, the blue skies will become more frequent and the days will draw out. Colours will start bleeding into the picture like a massive celebration of life and the birds will sing again, the warm air carrying their music to our ears. We will be awakened from the hibernation of our spirit and our peace.

Everything will be reborn and with it will come hope. Warmer, sunnier days are on the horizon.

Hold on.

Breathe

When it all gets too much, remember to breathe. More than that, focus everything on your breath for a short time and bring yourself back to where you are. Nothing is as bad as you feel it is in those moments of panic. Try, if you can, to get it under control before it takes control of you. It’s not easy, not always, but it can be done and it gets easier with practice. Focus on your breath and a try little self talk.

Close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so. Block out your surroundings for a few brief moments. Go somewhere quiet in your mind, somewhere you feel safe. A forest, an island, your house, it doesn’t matter.

Feel your feet on the ground. Notice your body. Drink in the fresh air and feel it filling your lungs and bringing you back.

Breathe in and feel calmness start to swell within you.

Breathe out your worries and let them drift off to some far away place. Watch them go in your minds eye until they are so small and so far away, you can’t recognise them anymore.

Breathe in and count to ten slowly.

Breathe out and count again.

Feeling calmer with every breath.

Breathe in and feel your body and soul being filled with warm light, calming and soothing.

Breathe out any stresses or tensions still lingering within you.

Breathe in and feel your heart filling with love and let that love wash over you until it becomes you and you become it.

There’s nothing to frightened of or anxious about. Let it go. Breathe it out.

Feel your feet on the ground and breathe.

You will be okay.

Just breathe.

Storms

Storms may ravage us, but we can rebuild.

It was the day after storm Doris and the air wass fresh, the sky blue, the birds were singing, and everything felt serene. If somebody had just arrived, they would have had no idea of the violence of yesterday’s weather.

That’s how I feel when a low has passed. The serenity, the calm, and the sense of hope that I can start building again. I can begin to put back together that which the wind has torn asunder. It might never be as it was, I might never be the same but I can rebuild, make something new, maybe something better.

When we are inside it, it feels like we won’t make it out alive. The meloncholy, the pain of a grief that you don’t understand the bewilderment of not wanting to feel this way but somehow feeling solace in the familiarity of it all. We don’t know when the wind will ease or if there is worse to come. The uncertainty is the worst part.

As the wind blows us this way and that, we feel we wont ever find peace. We are lost at sea.

When the winds drop, the rain stops and the skies clear, that is the moment to take control. Do it before the next storm comes. Start learning about the climate of your mind. Learn the signs before the next low comes. Learn how to build a sea wall, a stronger roof.

The trees that don’t blow down in then wind aren’t the strongest ones or the most steadfast but the ones that move with the wind, that let themselves be flexible. We have to be the same. If something isn’t working we need to find new ways to do it. We need to move with the wind of our circumstance.

If you can weather the storm, brighter days and better things will come. When you’re in it, it doesn’t feel that way. The eye of the storm is a dark, silent, lonely place. How could you believe it would ever end or improve? The truth is, you can’t. All you can do is keep fighting, keep moving forward with your head down, braced against the wind. I don’t mean keep going as if nothing is wrong. Ask for help, tell someone you aren’t okay. There is strength in numbers.

Change

I hate change, or at least I’m not very good at it. I’ve never liked it and have always found it unsettling. Whether it was starting at a new school, a new job, a new relationship there would be the anxiety, the tears and the sure and certain knowledge I’d fail. It would disorientate me and knock me off my feet leaving me swimming, unable to find the ground beneath me. I would flounder and gasp and try to swim until I was able to grope and grapple my way back to the surface and clamber back to solid ground.

Those are the hard parts, the moments where the ground starts to shift and I have to try to rediscover my surroundings, keeping my head above water, trying not to let anyone down and never letting anyone see that I’m flailing.

I’m not sure if it’s genuinely change that scares me or the likelyhood of failing but either way, things do change and that’s life. Without change there’d be no progress and no growth. As scary as it is, we have to try and move with the current or we’ll drown fighting against it. The question is how? How do we do the thing that scares us most?

I’m coming to realise in the bits in between that the way to deal with it is simply to do what comes next. Don’t worry about the distance left to travel, focus on the next step. Do what needs doing now, the rest will fall into place in time (and if it doesn’t you can deal with that when it comes along). If you just keep doing what’s next, not looking forward beyond that, you’ll be amazed when you look back and see how far you’ve come. I know, because I just looked back and realised that actually, despite a minor setback I’m doing okay. My head is what it is and I may struggle in areas but in others I’m good at what I do. I just need to give myself the space to do it.

A caterpillar doesn’t sit and fret about how it’s going to transform into a butterfly. If it did it would drive itself mad with worry. After all, how exactly does one grow wings and fly? The caterpillar just caterpillars along doing whatever it is that a caterpillar does and it lets life takes care of the rest.

Life can seem very overwhelming but I think that’s partly because we jump from here to there in our mind in one giant leap, not allowing ourself time to grow into the changes, expecting a caterpillar to fly.

Everything will be okay, it always is. We just need to worry less, swim with the current, fly when we’re ready, take the paths to unknown destinations one step at a time and trust that the details will work themselves out.

Suzanne

Grief

When someone dies, there is always the inevitiable outpouring of grief and wonderful things are said about the person who has passed away. This is beautiful and heartfelt and painful and cathartic but also, I think, a missed opportuntiy to say these things to a person while they are still alive to hear them. What if instead of waiting we tell our loved ones and friends now, exactly how we feel and how they are special while they are still alive to hear it.

I get that not everyone is comfortable with praise, some of us aren’t, but maybe it’s simply because it isn’t the social norm and they aren’t used to hearing it.

Maybe all we need is a little bit more practice?

Wouldn’t it be better to celebrate our loved ones while we have them, to let them know how much they mean to us and what a difference they make to the world around them. Show them how their smile lights up a room. The time for beautiful tributes is now, not later, because the sadest thing in the world is to lose someone and wonder if they really knew how incredible they were and how much they were loved.

It can be as simple as “I love you” or as in depth as you care to go. List all the wonderful atributes they have. Let them know they are appreciated and that they matter and make a huge difference to your life and the world around them.

So I invite you all to take a moment to send a message to a friend, or tell them face to face all the wonderful ways they are loved in this moment. Perhaps a friend you’ve not connected with for a long time or maybe someone you see every day.

None of us know how long we have on this merry-go-round that we call life, but it would be a much better and more joyous experience if we learned to express our feelings to those that matter while they are still here to receive them.

Anxiety

One of the tell-tale signs that I’m heading for an anxiety attack is an intense feeling of agitation. Everything is heightened and everything is irritating.

Sounds are amplified to an unbearable level. People breathing, chewing, speaking. Children crying, all of them claw at me as the noise swells and swells until I can hear my own heart beating and the blood rushing past my ears. I can’t concentrate as the noises swim around in my head. Voices competing to be heard and are lost in the din. I’m stood in the middle of a motorway surrounded by swarms of traffic, trying to find a safe way to cross but never quite finding a gap.

I can’t walk quickly enough. I’m desperate to escape but unsure where to go or what exactly it is I’m trying to flee from. I want to run but I’ve nowhere to go because wherever I went, this would surely follow.

Everything feels more intense. The heat is too hot, the cold is too cold, my skin feels sore and flush and electric and painful.

My eyes struggle to focus, not really knowing where to look. Everything is unbearably loud and yet, muffled and unintelligible. I can’t pick out the sound I am supposed to be hearing from the ones that are imposing and chaotic.

My brain rattles in my head and I want to lash out or run and hide. Fight or flight is kicking in and it’s only a matter of time before a full blown panic attack invades my entire being, knocks me out of the way and takes over without me being able to do a thing to stop it.

But sometimes I see the signs and the patterns and I can step in and intervene on my own behalf. I’m getting better at this, feeling it coming like a wave and stepping out of it’s path before it knocks me over.

It happened yesterday while I was in town and I managed to stop it. This was a huge victory for me, but more amazingly than this, nobody else seemed to notice. I could have told them and perhaps I should have, but I didn’t and instead of focusing on all the things and feelings that were driving me to distraction, I breathed. I breathed deeply and I sipped water and took a bit of time to be silent and to focus on something other than where I was and I came through it unscathed.

Next time I might not manage it and that’s okay because this time I did and that’s something for me to feel happy about.

Anxiety is a war, not a battle. Sometimes we win, sometimes we don’t. It’s all okay as long as we keep trying. Trying to win back the terrain that is our true self. That is the real victory.

Never give up.

40 by 40

For those of you that don’t know, I’m 38. Time is running out before I hit the big 40 and there’s quite a bit I’d like to do before I hit that milestone. A little while ago I put together a list of things I’d like to do before I succumb to the ravages of time. Then I put the list in a drawer and didn’t look at it again. Given that I have recently (and am still) having a bit of a challening time mentally it seemed like good time to dig that list out, cross half of it out and re-write it (because frankly, the last one sucked).

So I’m putting it here and this time I’m going to get moving with it because 1 year and 9 months isn’t a long time.

Overcome my fear of heights. I’m rubbish at heights and can’t even climb a ladder without feeling a bit sick. I’d like to do something the make that fear go away or at the very least get up into my loft and find the Christmas tree.

Swim in the sea. Nowhere fancy, preferably shark and jellyfish free, and defintily no rouge poos please.

Donate blood. I’ve been on tablets for so long and always assumed that it would mean I can’t give blood but apparantly being on antidepressants doesn’t automatically rule you out so I’d like to look into that and give a pint or two to do a bit of good in the world.

Piece together a new outfit entirely from charity shops. I have no sense of fashion or style to speak of and it could be a fun way to try and get some.

Have something published somewhere. Be it a book (doubtful), a poem or an angry ranting letter to the local paper, at some point within the next 21 months I will be published.

Try ten foods I have never eaten before. Nothing too weird here, I’m not going for snails or tripe or anything gross, but I would like to broaden my horizons somewhat.

Do a car boot sale and make loads of money (or at least more that £20). I’ve done one once before but that was ages ago and I’ve got better quality tat to sell these days.

Sing karaoke without a drop of alcohol. This could be more of a challenge for those having to listen than for me.

Have a family portrait taken and put it up in the flat.

Buy a houseplant and keep it alive.

Teach Dolly how to lay down on command. (Actually I’ve already done this one but I thought I’d leave it on the list so at least I can say I’ve made a start).

Take a self defence class. I’m always saying I’m going to do this and never quite manage to get round to it.

Get a tattoo. This is a big one. I’ve always wanted a tattoo but never really know what. People say if you get one it should mean something and that way you’ll never regret it, so I’m going to get one of Dolly’s paw on the back of my shoulder.

Have a go in one of those water zorbing floaty ball things. They look like fun and it looks significantly less dangerous than the ones that hurtle down hills.

Bake a rainbow pinata cake (pretty).

Learn how to say “Thank You” in 10 languages. I’m actually doing pretty well on this one and only need another 4 to cross it off the list.

Have a massage. Always wanted one, always felt a bit weird at the idea of paying someone to rub my body.

Enter Dolly in a dog show and win a rossette. She’s so much better now than when we first adopted her, I’d like to show off how well behaved she is.

Get one of my photographs printed on canvass and hang it in the flat. I love photography but rarely print any of them out.

Eat something I’ve grown myself (this is going to be a tomato as I don’t have a garden and tend to kill most foliage).

Be retweeted by a celebrity. I probably need to tweet a bit more for that one to happen but we can work on it.

Win something. I’m not sure what yet – maybe a tenner on a scratch card, maybe a Facebook giveaway, or maybe a nobel peace prize?

Be organised for Christmas before the beginning of December. I’ve said I was going to do this for as long as I remember and somehow always find myself running around the shops in the week before Christmas trying to find something nice to give people. This is going to be the year I get organised, food, drink, sweets and presents all sorted out by November (and if not, there’s still next year).

Do a fun run for charity. I was going to leave this one out as I am not much of a runner but that’s exactly why it needs to go on the list. If I was sporty there’d be no challenge her. I will get fit and buy clothes that have lyra in them and trainers that are aerodynamic and I will jog my way to victory.

Write a letter to the young version of myself. I could give myself some very good advice, if only I could invent a time machine and deliver it.

Drink a Jagerbomb. I seem to be missing out on something here. I’ve never been brave enough to try one mainly due to an irrational fear of Red Bull. What’s the worst that could happen? It seems like a good time to try.

Go camping with JJ and Dolly and spend a bit of time in the great outdoors (preferably somewhere with a working toilet).

Have a holiday. It’s been so long since JJ and I had a break together, just the two of us. We’ve either been spending time with family or supporting disabled people on holidays. All of those things are lovely but I can’t remember when we went away just the two of us (plus Dolly of course).

Try as many different flavours of icecream as I can find. I’ll aim for 20. I always go with the chocolate option which is fine, I love chocolate, but there’s a whole world out there waiting to be discovered and icecream is a good place to start.

Get a makeover. Not a biggie but I do love makeup and the way it can change how you feel about yourself. It could be fun to see what somebody else could do with this face.

Drive a car. I’ve learned to drive and I have no intention of taking my test but it might be fun to have a go and see if I could be any good at it. I’ve got a bit of time so it should be achievable but if not there is always go-carts.

Be on television. Preferably not the Jeremy Kyle Show or Crimewatch but I’m ruling nothing out. Might be fun to go on a game show or be an extra in a soap or even just hang around in the background of a news report.

Make gingerbread men. Sounds odd but I’ve never made it before and always fancied it. I’ve made biscuits, cakes, merringues and even had a go at chocolates but never made gingerbread men (except when I was small under supervision). I think I’ll make them some fancy-pants outfits to wear too.

Do something spontaneous. Obviously I”ve no idea what this will be or else it will defeat the object of it. You can’t plan to be spontaneous, just open to the idea of it. I’m notoriously crap at acting in the spur of the moment (except when it comes to hair cuts) so at some point between now and 40 I’ll do something radical when the oportunity presents itself.

Make something crafty. This was originally going to be ‘learn to knit’ but I tried that and bugger me, I’ve no chance. I almost lost my temper and threw the wool and needles at the nearest wall so I’ll leave that one and try something else. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know but I’m thinking maybe decorating something with something else (like broken stuff I find on the floor). We’ll keep this one open to suggestion.

Take a dog grooming class. I’m not sure if that’s something that actually exists or not in a day course but if it does, I’m in! I don’t want to be a dog groomer but I do like to do Dolly’s haircut and it would be great to get some professional tips for how to do a good job.

Find and watch the uncut version of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Until very recently I didn’t know there was an uncut version of this film, it’s long enough already, but apparantly there is and now I want in. I loved this film as a hopelessly romantic teen and I’ve no shame in admitting I had quite the crush on Kevin Costner. I will always be grateful they didn’t put him in tights.

Write a poem. I used to write poetry all the time, it was my thing. But then I stopped and for some reason never started again. I’d like to sit and write a poem, just to prove to myself I can still do it. None of the tormented wistful stuff of my youth though, something funny and witty and entertaining.

Lighten the fuck up! I overanalyze everything and constantly worry. I need to throw caution to the wind, jump in without looking and live for the moment from time to time.

Watch the sunrise. I’m 38 and have never stayed up all night or woken in time to watch the sun come up. I definitely want to see that. Yes there’s plenty of time and if it doesn’t happen this side of 40 it’s not the end of the world but I’ve been struggling to fill this list and now I’m not!

Pondering

I hadn’t planned on writing about Mental Illness again for a while but I’ve been having a bad couple of weeks and it got me thinking…what if I’ll never be rid of this?

People live with conditions that can’t be cured, only managed, all the time. What if this is one of those?

What if this is just how I am, forever?

The tablets, that seemed to be a miracle cure, have stopped being quite as effective as they were. Is this just a bad patch? Am I going to be able to climb back up again? Or actually, is this just a normal thing that happens to everyone? I get confused as to what I should be feeling while I’m taking my medication. Should I be feeling happy, elated, sad or desolate?

Should I be feeling anything at all?

I look around at everyone else and wonder if they struggle as I do. If this is normal? If I am normal?

I feel things too deeply, I think too much, I go over and over it all in my head until I’ve forgotten what exactly it was I was worrying about in the first place.

I want to stop taking the tablets, I know that isn’t going to happen. I’m not well and this is a real condition, it’s not in my head (except it is) and I need medicine to help me control my intensely low mood. But, even with it, the self-doubt creeps in.

I’m not good enough, I don’t do enough, I can’t cope with enough, I am not enough.

And it feels so ridiculous that I would feel this way because my life is wonderful. I am happy, I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful dog and wonderful family and friends. I enjoy my job (save for the moments when I lose faith in myself and start to believe I’m no good at it). I have no justification to feel the way I do and that’s how I know it’s an illness, because if I was well, I wouldn’t feel this way.

Life is a tightrope between tears and laughter and it’s hard to stay balanced. Ultimately, this is me and that isn’t going to change any time soon but I’ll keep treading the rope and moving forward.

I know I’m not the only person to feel this way. I know there are so many of us out there. Perhaps this IS normal. Just needed to get that out there. Keep on keeping on guys, we got this!

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day. Anyone who knows me, knows this is a subject very close to my heart and I want to take a moment to acknowledge it, and the importance of speaking out.

That’s why I’m literally speaking out. I write a lot and I know what I say resonates with people in similar situations because they tell me, but today I want to give my words a voice. My voice.

Mental Illness isn’t a dirty word.

Mental Illness isn’t something to be laughed at or ignored. It is no more a sign of weakness than having cancer or the flu or a broken bone. It is something that can affect us all at some point in our life, be it directly or indirectly.

We should not shy away from mental illness, we should talk about it before it becomes too much of a burden to carry and it crushes us beneath its weight. We should help other people by reaching out and asking them how they are and listening to the answer that is hidden behind the “I’m fine thanks” that will invariably follow.

We can recover from mental illness and we can relapse and it’s all part of the journey. It’s all okay. Just know that help is there. Be that help for someone else, reach out if you’re the person needing help yourself. Reach out when you feel yourself slipping, reach out before you fall too far.

Most of all, know this. Whether you have good mental health or whether you struggle, you are perfect, whole and complete. You are beautiful and you matter and whether you feel it or whether you don’t You make the world better by being a part of it.

There are lots of ways to help yourself heal, be it medication or meditation, talking therapies or just writing down the words to get them out keep trying until you get there and then keep trying some more. Take time to do things enjoy, if you don’t know what that is, dabble until you do. Be kind to yourself, love yourself until you start to FEEL that love again.

I want to finish by saying you never know what battle another person is fighting. Be kind because your compassion may be the catalyst that helps another person step back on the road to wellness.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me on my path, if I did it, so can you.

No matter how broken we might feel at times, we are strong, we are beautiful and we are whole.

Keep on keeping on, we’ve got this!

Dear Me

We all have bad patches and they aren’t necessarily anything to be worried about, but when you are in the midst of them, they are all you can see, feel and believe.

Cartoon version of me with short red hair looks depressed.

Since coming off my anti depressants I have started to scrutinize every low mood, every bad day and every tear. Is this a relapse? Am I destined to once again being medicated? Or is this simply what life feels like when it is experienced raw, glaring and without a buffer?

Generally speaking I find it quite hard to write about things while I’m going through them. It’s only as I come out through the other side of it all, and I can see the situation from another perspective, that I feel I can go back and write it all down. I think that’s partly why I’ve been so quiet on the blog of late. I don’t want to tempt fate when things are going well, but then when the doubt creeps in, everything becomes too real, the water gets murky and I can’t bring myself to put pen too paper for totally different reasons.

But now I think I need to, because maybe that will bring me the clarity I’m hoping for. I appear to slipped backwards into old habits, becoming my own worst critic and seeing myself through whatever the opposite of rose tinted glasses might be. Crap tinted glasses? Disgust tinted glasses? Shame tinted glasses? Whatever the lens prescription, I have noticed myself doing it and I’m currently trying to prize them away before they become permanently fused to my head and require medical intervention to get them back off.

I don’t really get why I’m like this with myself when I’m so different with other people. I encourage and support other people and yet discourage and rebuke myself and then devalue my efforts. I know we all go through stuff, we all struggle. So, once again comes the need to remove myself from the situation and view it from afar, as an impartial third party. When I consciously try I’ve learned to do it quite well.

Cartoon me with the word This is my life now.

For me one of the easiest ways to forgive my own shortcomings it’s try and imagine I’m talking to someone else, to afford myself the patience and compassion that I would extend to any other person.

And so, during this moment of clarity I have decided to write myself a letter and to read and reflect upon this when the self-loathing rears its head. When I can’t bear to be around myself anymore.

Cartoon me sitting at a desk with a quill writing a letter.

Dear Me,

I want to remind you that you are beautiful. You have a kind heart and although you struggle to believe it at times, you’re doing fine.

You matter and you have the right to exist and the right to be happy.

You try so hard to be a good person, you do your best to help other people when they need you and you try to write about the Demons in your head that would have you believe that you aren’t enough in order to help other people understand and fight the demons of their own. But the thing is, you are enough. It’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to feel less than happy, it doesn’t mean you’re failing or relapsing it just means you’re human.

It’s ok to want Solitude from time to time, it doesn’t mean you’re turning into a hermit. Give yourself permission to say no thank you to say I need some me time.

Well done for stepping out of your comfort zone and daring to go to Liverpool by yourself and to stay in a hotel away from home on your own. That was a big deal for you and you should be proud of your achievement. Now you know you can do it give yourself permission to say no thank you if you don’t want to do it again. But you never know, the next time maybe easier and you might enjoy a little bit more. Either option is fine.

It’s ok that you didn’t feel a late at the moment you got home. Doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for all deserving of the experience. Emotions take time to process and understand, and each day that passes give you a better view of the events that transpired and that elation and pride is starting to seep in.

Well done Claire, you did great.

Blips will happen and when they do don’t panic. Wait it out. Read this letter. You’ve come so far and you have a bright future ahead of you if you just believe nothing is permanent and everything is possible.

Trust in yourself because you’ve come this far, you can carry on and you can do great things.

Keep on keeping on the Claire, I’m proud of you, I believe in you and I love you.

– Me

Awakening

Ready to wake from this long sleep of winter,

The sun melts the shards that cut, stab and splinter.

Awoken by spring, my soul starts to thaw,

Recalling the person behind the closed door.

Beneath all the fear,

Beneath all the dread,

Here I am waiting, not yet dead.

I can be brave and step outside,

Declare to the world “I haven’t died”.

I am still here. I am still me.

There’s so much beauty left to see.

Hold On

Hold on and have faith in whatever you believe in, be it god, yourself, the healing power of time, modern medicine or a combination of any or all of them. Hold on, because it’s all just temporary an none of it is real. It might feel real – unbearably so, but it isn’t. It is valid and it is legitimate and it should be acknowledged, but it isn’t real.

These moments of crushing despair, impending doom and a fear so thick you can feel it trying to strangle you, are all the figments of an unwell mind and you WILL come through it and you WILL get better…just hold on.

You won’t always feel this tired and life won’t always ache. You will move beyond this yearning for a quiet relief and a release from this malaise that makes your soul itch unrelentingly. Just hold on.

It’s okay if you don’t feel ready to race forward and embrace recovery. These things take time and you’re only ready when you’re ready. It’s as important to feel these feelings as it is to let them go.

You can’t just think yourself well again. If it were that simple we’d all be happy all of the time, because nobody would choose this. Life has its lessons and we all learn them in our own time. Don’t be hard on yourself if you aren’t getting better as quickly as you think you should be. It takes as long as it takes and it can’t be rushed and that’s okay.

The most useful lesson I’ve learned is to be in the moment and have faith in the future. Once I stopped worrying that I’d never be okay again and trusted that I’d come out the other side. I relaxed into the moment and felt what I needed to feel. I cried my tears and had patience that if I held on, I would one day be okay again.

I’m certain there will be relapses, times in my life when the walls start closing in and it all feels like too much. It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows. But in those moments of chaos, to the best of my ability I will continue to hold on and trust that I will weather the storm as I have time and time again.

Hold on, because better days are coming and you deserve to be happy.

Self Care

Self Care:The practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health.

Self care is all the rage these days, everywhere you look there’s another article about why it is important. The last thing we need is another one, right? But as a relatively recent subscriber to the practice I’m asking you to give it a try.

It’s not a cure all and it won’t cure depression or anxiety but it might just ease your symptoms or lay a foundation for healing. If you’re well, it’ll help you to stay well and know yourself better so you can see when you are slipping before you end up on your proverbial backside in a puddle of muddy gloom. There are so many resources out there for ideas and inspiration of self care.

Here’s my top 10 list of things to do to celebrate you!

Check In With Yourself Often.

The better we know ourself the easier it is to notice when things are out of sorts. If you’re starting to go downhill, a couple of days rest could be all the difference between a bad patch and a full on crisis. Ask yourself daily, “how am I feeling?” Acknowledge it and give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. If you’re not feeling the ticket, do someting kind for yourself.

De-clutter

Have a rummage through your cupboards for things you no longer want, need or use and take it along to a charity shop. Preferably of a cause close to your heart. Bask in the warm glow of a good deed. (Or you could stick it all on eBay and treat yourself with the proceeds).

Dear Me

Write a letter to yourself. Tell yourself about all the wonderful things you’ve done that you are proud of, all of the positive attributes that make you who you are. You’ll be surprised when you sit and think about it, how much you actually like yourself. If you’re strugging to do it, write to your inner child or childhood self.

Only an arse wouldn’t be able to find something positive to say to a child!

Be Unsociable.

Believe it or not you are not obliged to go out or socialise with people you’d rather not be sociable with. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an apology. If you don’t want to do something, put YOU first. It’s OKAY!

We have so many constraints on our time, people pulling us every which way. You matter most, it’s okay to be selective.

Digitally Detox

As I mentioned in my previous post, shutting myself away from the constant bombardment of the digital age did me the world of good. You don’t have to completely hide yourself away, but do give yourself some genuine “me time” when nobody can contact you, make demands of you or take from you.

The Obligatory Bubble Bath

No self-respecting Self Care list would be complete without mentioning the all powerful bubble bath.

Like a baptismal font to cleanse our troubled soul. the bubble bath promises to make us whole again! Personally I’m no fan of the bubbles but I’m all about the bath. A few drops of essential oils, candles and a bit of relaxing music and I’m set – assuming I can get in there long enough without JJ banging on the door for a wee (but that’s another story entirely).

Treat Yourself

Drink the wine, eat the chocolate, order the pizza! Pick your favourite treat and let yourself wholeheartedly enjoy it. No explanation, no justification, just do it. You deserve it.

Just Be You

Stop comparing yourself to other people. You aren’t them. This includes your former self, you aren’t that person anymore. Let go of any guilt about who you were then or who you are now. You’re fine just as you are. Just keep going! This is actually the hardest one for me. I tend to judge myself harshly, especially the way I look. Yes I know that is the least important part of who a person is, but I am so often angry with myself for not being enough. (I’m lucky enough to be working with a body confidence coach in the near future to help me address this – watch this space).

Get Out

Go outside and breathe. Take in your surroundings, enjoy the fresh air and the sounds of nature. Get away from everything for 15 minute and just be in the moment. Put some space between yourself and the world and just be still. Listen to your breathing and try and forget everything else, just for a while…just be.

Belt Out Some Music

Find your favourite, most uplifting music and listen loud! Feel the music, don’t just hear it. Find the most inspiring, energising songs you can and give yourself a daily dose. Your soul will thank you.

So there you have it. My top 10 mood boosting, kind to me, self care techniques to try and stay on track and healthy.

If you have any of your own, share them in the comments…I’d love to hear them.

Gratitude

Being grateful is one of the most practical things we can do in order to affect our mood and create a positive mindset. No matter what circumstances we find ourself in, there is something to give thanks for, to feel blessed for and to feel gratefful for.

The more we appreciate and acknowledge the good in our lives, the good things we notice. The more we notice, the more we have to feel gratitude for. The cycle grows outwards and by practicing gratitude, the bad days carry less weight because we can see and feel beyond them.

Each day make it a habit that when you wake up, before you get out of bed, or as you drink your moring coffee, you think of a few things you have to be grateful for.

If you’re struggling to think of anything make it really simple – a good night of sleep, the taste of your coffee, the feeling of air in your lungs. It really doesn’t have to be a monumentous thing. Just the feeling of gratidude is the only starting place you need.

I promise that the more you feel the grateful, the more you will have to feel grateful for. I’m not sure how it works but it does.

We don’t need to wait for the big house, the new car, the amazing holiday, to feel grateful or happy. Those aren’t the things we are striving for after all are they? It is the feeling of contentment, happiness and peace we are actually wanting. So if we are feeling those feelings for what we have, everything else is a bonus.

Life is about the feelings, not the things.

I’m sitting outside in the beautiful heat of summer-come-early, pondering all the wonderful things I myself have to feel gratitude for.

I’ve been through turbulent times and weathered them all. I have evolved into a more equipped person who is able to deal with the things life throws in my direction. I have found ways in all this chaos to try and help other people that are going through it now. This gives such value to what was a pretty horrendous time.

I’m so grateful for this.

I’m able to feel the heat on my skin, to hear the wind as it plays with the leaves on the trees, to hear the birds singing to each other. I can see the beauty of the spring all around me, smell the earthy and floral scent of the season and feel the breeze in my hair.

I am fully able to immerse mysellf in today.

I am so grateful.

I have the most amazing family who bring joy into my life so often. A husband who understands me completely and who I couldn’t possibly love more. A doggy-chid who completes me and who I am able to snuggle whenever I want.

I am so grateful.

I am blessed enough to be able to eat nourishing food every day and have access to fresh water whenever I need it.

I am so fortunate.

I am so lucky.

I have surrounded myself in nature and bluebells and birdsong this afternoon and taken time out for myself.

My life is such a blessing and I am so very, very grateful.

I invite you to share in the comments a few things in your life you have to feel gratitude for and notice how acknowleding that gratitude makes you feel.

Blessings you lovely lot.

Love always, Claire xx

Me Shaped

Yesterday was a strange one. It started with a trip on the bus to the cinema, which is Peterborough means a trip on the bus to as close as possible and then a frogger style dash across a couple of very busy roads. If you manage to survive the journey you get to enjoy a film while your blood pressure returns to a normal (and then do it all again on the way home).

I digress. We got the bus and struck up a conversation with a man sitting opposite. He was pleasant and we talked about the weather in a very British fashion, how lovely the sunshine was, how it’s supposed to be a very cold winter and how the snow can wreak havoc with your shoes. It was all going so well until we got up to leave and he smiled, made that finger gun thing, pointed at my stomach and made that clicking noise whilst wishing me his heartfelt congratulations.

For reasons unknown to me, I had once again been mistaken for having been pregnant. This is not rare, uncommon, scarce, unique or out of the ordinary. Granted it hasn’t happened for a couple of months but it happens all the bloody time. So much so, I have stopped denying it. I hate that awkward look on the faces of those people that thought they were being nice only to inadvertantly tell me I have a strange body shape. So instead of saying “I’m not pregnant” and crushing his spirit, I simply said “Thank you”, got off the bus and went to play frogger with the traffic.

Perhaps it was the top I was wearing or maybe I was slouching with my back which is currently misbehaving? Whatever the cause, I mananged to smile about it and not let it get me down. I didn’t even burn the top

Today I’m still smiling, still not bothered and actually, quite glad it happened because last night I went out for the evening and got dressed up and had a bloody good night! I did something I rarely do and put a full length picture on Facebook and was overwhelmed by the kind words of my friends. So who cares if a few random strangers think I have a bun in the oven?

I’m me shaped and that’s a fine shape for me to be.

REBT

Had you asked me if I were an optimist, up until a very short time ago I would have said “Yes, of course”. I always try to see the best in everyone and in every situation. I go to work each day hoping for a positive experience and I go to bed each night fully expecting to wake up the next day. That’s optimism, right?

But while I always believed my glass to be half full, there was a constant fear I’d knock it over. The more I thought about it the more examples I could find of times when I would be hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

My boss would ask to speak to me and my heart would pound as I wondered what I had done wrong. What shortcoming was about to be exposed? I felt like I wasn’t enough and it was only a matter of time before everybody else would see the truth.

A letter arriving in the post would send my head spinning and my skin would flush with fire. I would be sure it was going to be a bill I couldn’t afford to pay (despite the fact I’ve always been fortunate enough to have sufficient to pay them).

If I was invited out for an evening fear would set in. I’d know I wasn’t going to have fun and I would feel out of place.

Yes, it turns out I am a pessimist, or at least I was. I am now choosing to identify as a recovering pessimist.

I feel like I have been taking antidepressants for so long they have become a part of my identity. Am I predisposed to depression due to being a pessimist or am I a pessimist due to depression, and can I change?

I decided to rewire and retrain my brain. To switch to positive thinking and optimism and to move away from a negative mindset and I found an amazing place to start.

Let me tell you a little bit about REBT.

When I decided that a new way of thinking was in order I did a quick Google Search. This is one of the first things that came up when I typed in ‘can you change from being a pessimist to an optimist’.

So what is it? Well it stands for Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and it’s part of the same family of therapies as CBT.

It is founded on the belief that our emotions are not disturbed by events themselves but our interpretations of those events.

According to the founder of REBT there are 10 cognitive distortions that act as lenses we experience things through.

1. Mental filtering – focusing on negative events rather than any positive outcome.

2. Jumping to conclusions – assuming the worst.

3. Personalisation – Disproportionately blaming yourself when things go wrong.

4. Black and white thinking – All or nothing, good or bad, right or wrong.

5. Catastrophising – believing things to be much worse than they are.

6. Overgeneralization – everything ALWAYS goes wrong.

7. Labeling – I’m useless, I’m a failure etc.

8. Should and Must – This should happen this way, this must not happen!

9. Emotional Reasoning – viewing a situation based on how we felt in that moment.

10. Magnification and minimisation – magnifying other people’s positive attributes while minimising your own.

There are 3 basic ‘Musts’ that cause the distortions.

1. I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good.

2. Other people must treat me fairly or else they are no good.

3. I must get what I want when I want it or else I can’t stand it.

REBT uses the ABCDE Method to look at our thoughts and reframe them into more healthy and helpful ones.

A – Activating event. An event that happens in our environment.

B – Belief you have about the event that has happened.

C – Consequence. The emotional response to your belief.

D – Disputing the unhelpful belief.

E – Effect of deactivating the unhelpful belief.

So in my case, one of my massive triggers and fears was making a mistake at work.

A – Going to work.

B – If I make a mistake it will be terrible. I will get in trouble with my boss and lose my job and end up destitute.

C – Panic attacks, crying, being off work sick.

With reflection and effort I’ve got to D & E.

D – People make mistakes all the time and they’re rarely serious enough to result in dismissal. I always work hard and try my best and as long as I do that, the odd mistake from time to time is okay.

E – I am calmer, more forgiving of myself and happier at work.

The ultimate goal in this is to shift your thinking from the three musts to the three types of acceptance, these are…

1. I am imperfect and that is ok. I have worth regardless of my shortcomings.

2. Other people will treat me unfairly at times and that is ok. It does not remove their worth or my own.

3. Life doesn’t always have to go to plan or be pleasant. It isn’t awful and it is usually at least bearable.

So there it is, a very brief summary of REBT. I’ve personally found it really helpful.

We Got This

Since reducing my dose of Citalopram I’ve been doing really well. My CBT has helped me deal with issues before they become too big. Yesterday, the feelings of fear and inadequacy came back. I addressed them and today, I’m much better.

I am recovering.

CBT taught me is that my anxiety isn’t without cause. I thought I was just wired wrong but actually I was refusing to acknowledge the things I was anxious about and address them.

My worries would stare at me in the night from dark corners.

Now I carry a torch.

Do the thing you’re scared of and it loses its power over you. It took me 41 years and therapy to work that out.

I am absolutely determined to get my mind working in a way that is helpful to me and I’m prepared to put in the work.

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

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Let Your Wrinkles Twinkle

Like the wearing down of pages of a much-loved dogeared book our faces tell the stories of our lives.

For love may come or love may go and joy or pain abound, but each furrow speaks the tale that we survived.

Soft creases in a silk scarf over time, becoming deeper, every smile and every worry leaves it’s line.

Every moment we have lived and each adventure we embarked on placed their stories on our face, so let them shine.

Know that aging is a privilege that not everyone is given, so rejoice and wear your grey hair like a crown.

Then every wrinkle on your face becomes a radiant badge of honour for each time you got back up when you were down.

There is beauty in each blemish, there is magic in each mark and such wisdom you have learned along your way.

So let each wrinkle twinkle, smile and let each crease be loved because you’ve earned it with each passing of the day.

Claire Lucia-Wright

Why The Blog?

It's time to change our ideas about what mental illness is. There is no shame in it and there should be no stigma around it. Having a mental illness is no different to having a physical illness. Just as somebody shouldn't be judged for having a broken arm, neither should they be judged for having a broken mind. The more we speak openly of our experiences in what can be the most isolating of illnesses, the more others will feel comfortable coming forward to seek help. The more we help each other, the better the world will be.

Much Love,
Claire