Suzanne

• My lungs feel as if they are full of sand and my heart is heavy today but I’ve come outside regardless. I’ve come to spend some time in nature, alone with my thoughts, a note book and a pen because life is fleeting and tomorrow is never promised.

A few days ago a lady lost her life. She passed away, totally unexpectedly, in a car accident. She was young with her entire future ahead of her and in an instant that future was taken away without warning. Her light went out and now we are left in a world that will shine a little less brightly without her warm smile and kind heart. I didn’t know her well, we weren’t close, but I did consider her a friend. She was one of those people you just loved. Her heart was huge, her personality serene.

We met when I was learning British Sign Language at college. The tutor had recommended we attend the local Deaf Club to practice our conversational skills. Suzanne didn’t know me but made me feel so welcome. From that moment on we would always say hello and I’d struggle to come up with something interesting to sign with my limited sign vocabulary. We’d muddle through and have conversations. A few weeks ago she told me about a holiday she was planning.

Now she’ll never get to go. It’s so hard to make sense of this tragedy.

The frailty of life is astounding, the non-permancence of it is something we should not take lightly.

I’m going to try to procrastinate less, and to make more plans with the people I love even when anxiety makes it difficult. Even when I’m frightened of the what ifs and the maybes because I’m more scared of not really living than I am of dying.

I’m going to live my best life in the memory of my friend, a lady who touched so many lives and so many hearts and always lived her life to the fullest.

Rest in peace Suzanne, I’ll never forget you.

Grief

When someone dies, there is always the inevitiable outpouring of grief and wonderful things are said about the person who has passed away. This is beautiful and heartfelt and painful and cathartic but also, I think, a missed opportuntiy to say these things to a person while they are still alive to hear them. What if instead of waiting we tell our loved ones and friends now, exactly how we feel and how they are special while they are still alive to hear it.

I get that not everyone is comfortable with praise, some of us aren’t, but maybe it’s simply because it isn’t the social norm and they aren’t used to hearing it.

Maybe all we need is a little bit more practice?

Wouldn’t it be better to celebrate our loved ones while we have them, to let them know how much they mean to us and what a difference they make to the world around them. Show them how their smile lights up a room. The time for beautiful tributes is now, not later, because the sadest thing in the world is to lose someone and wonder if they really knew how incredible they were and how much they were loved.

It can be as simple as “I love you” or as in depth as you care to go. List all the wonderful atributes they have. Let them know they are appreciated and that they matter and make a huge difference to your life and the world around them.

So I invite you all to take a moment to send a message to a friend, or tell them face to face all the wonderful ways they are loved in this moment. Perhaps a friend you’ve not connected with for a long time or maybe someone you see every day.

None of us know how long we have on this merry-go-round that we call life, but it would be a much better and more joyous experience if we learned to express our feelings to those that matter while they are still here to receive them.

Anxiety

One of the tell-tale signs that I’m heading for an anxiety attack is an intense feeling of agitation. Everything is heightened and everything is irritating.

Sounds are amplified to an unbearable level. People breathing, chewing, speaking. Children crying, all of them claw at me as the noise swells and swells until I can hear my own heart beating and the blood rushing past my ears. I can’t concentrate as the noises swim around in my head. Voices competing to be heard and are lost in the din. I’m stood in the middle of a motorway surrounded by swarms of traffic, trying to find a safe way to cross but never quite finding a gap.

I can’t walk quickly enough. I’m desperate to escape but unsure where to go or what exactly it is I’m trying to flee from. I want to run but I’ve nowhere to go because wherever I went, this would surely follow.

Everything feels more intense. The heat is too hot, the cold is too cold, my skin feels sore and flush and electric and painful.

My eyes struggle to focus, not really knowing where to look. Everything is unbearably loud and yet, muffled and unintelligible. I can’t pick out the sound I am supposed to be hearing from the ones that are imposing and chaotic.

My brain rattles in my head and I want to lash out or run and hide. Fight or flight is kicking in and it’s only a matter of time before a full blown panic attack invades my entire being, knocks me out of the way and takes over without me being able to do a thing to stop it.

But sometimes I see the signs and the patterns and I can step in and intervene on my own behalf. I’m getting better at this, feeling it coming like a wave and stepping out of it’s path before it knocks me over.

It happened yesterday while I was in town and I managed to stop it. This was a huge victory for me, but more amazingly than this, nobody else seemed to notice. I could have told them and perhaps I should have, but I didn’t and instead of focusing on all the things and feelings that were driving me to distraction, I breathed. I breathed deeply and I sipped water and took a bit of time to be silent and to focus on something other than where I was and I came through it unscathed.

Next time I might not manage it and that’s okay because this time I did and that’s something for me to feel happy about.

Anxiety is a war, not a battle. Sometimes we win, sometimes we don’t. It’s all okay as long as we keep trying. Trying to win back the terrain that is our true self. That is the real victory.

Never give up.

40 by 40

For those of you that don’t know, I’m 38. Time is running out before I hit the big 40 and there’s quite a bit I’d like to do before I hit that milestone. A little while ago I put together a list of things I’d like to do before I succumb to the ravages of time. Then I put the list in a drawer and didn’t look at it again. Given that I have recently (and am still) having a bit of a challening time mentally it seemed like good time to dig that list out, cross half of it out and re-write it (because frankly, the last one sucked).

So I’m putting it here and this time I’m going to get moving with it because 1 year and 9 months isn’t a long time.

Overcome my fear of heights. I’m rubbish at heights and can’t even climb a ladder without feeling a bit sick. I’d like to do something the make that fear go away or at the very least get up into my loft and find the Christmas tree.

Swim in the sea. Nowhere fancy, preferably shark and jellyfish free, and defintily no rouge poos please.

Donate blood. I’ve been on tablets for so long and always assumed that it would mean I can’t give blood but apparantly being on antidepressants doesn’t automatically rule you out so I’d like to look into that and give a pint or two to do a bit of good in the world.

Piece together a new outfit entirely from charity shops. I have no sense of fashion or style to speak of and it could be a fun way to try and get some.

Have something published somewhere. Be it a book (doubtful), a poem or an angry ranting letter to the local paper, at some point within the next 21 months I will be published.

Try ten foods I have never eaten before. Nothing too weird here, I’m not going for snails or tripe or anything gross, but I would like to broaden my horizons somewhat.

Do a car boot sale and make loads of money (or at least more that £20). I’ve done one once before but that was ages ago and I’ve got better quality tat to sell these days.

Sing karaoke without a drop of alcohol. This could be more of a challenge for those having to listen than for me.

Have a family portrait taken and put it up in the flat.

Buy a houseplant and keep it alive.

Teach Dolly how to lay down on command. (Actually I’ve already done this one but I thought I’d leave it on the list so at least I can say I’ve made a start).

Take a self defence class. I’m always saying I’m going to do this and never quite manage to get round to it.

Get a tattoo. This is a big one. I’ve always wanted a tattoo but never really know what. People say if you get one it should mean something and that way you’ll never regret it, so I’m going to get one of Dolly’s paw on the back of my shoulder.

Have a go in one of those water zorbing floaty ball things. They look like fun and it looks significantly less dangerous than the ones that hurtle down hills.

Bake a rainbow pinata cake (pretty).

Learn how to say “Thank You” in 10 languages. I’m actually doing pretty well on this one and only need another 4 to cross it off the list.

Have a massage. Always wanted one, always felt a bit weird at the idea of paying someone to rub my body.

Enter Dolly in a dog show and win a rossette. She’s so much better now than when we first adopted her, I’d like to show off how well behaved she is.

Get one of my photographs printed on canvass and hang it in the flat. I love photography but rarely print any of them out.

Eat something I’ve grown myself (this is going to be a tomato as I don’t have a garden and tend to kill most foliage).

Be retweeted by a celebrity. I probably need to tweet a bit more for that one to happen but we can work on it.

Win something. I’m not sure what yet – maybe a tenner on a scratch card, maybe a Facebook giveaway, or maybe a nobel peace prize?

Be organised for Christmas before the beginning of December. I’ve said I was going to do this for as long as I remember and somehow always find myself running around the shops in the week before Christmas trying to find something nice to give people. This is going to be the year I get organised, food, drink, sweets and presents all sorted out by November (and if not, there’s still next year).

Do a fun run for charity. I was going to leave this one out as I am not much of a runner but that’s exactly why it needs to go on the list. If I was sporty there’d be no challenge her. I will get fit and buy clothes that have lyra in them and trainers that are aerodynamic and I will jog my way to victory.

Write a letter to the young version of myself. I could give myself some very good advice, if only I could invent a time machine and deliver it.

Drink a Jagerbomb. I seem to be missing out on something here. I’ve never been brave enough to try one mainly due to an irrational fear of Red Bull. What’s the worst that could happen? It seems like a good time to try.

Go camping with JJ and Dolly and spend a bit of time in the great outdoors (preferably somewhere with a working toilet).

Have a holiday. It’s been so long since JJ and I had a break together, just the two of us. We’ve either been spending time with family or supporting disabled people on holidays. All of those things are lovely but I can’t remember when we went away just the two of us (plus Dolly of course).

Try as many different flavours of icecream as I can find. I’ll aim for 20. I always go with the chocolate option which is fine, I love chocolate, but there’s a whole world out there waiting to be discovered and icecream is a good place to start.

Get a makeover. Not a biggie but I do love makeup and the way it can change how you feel about yourself. It could be fun to see what somebody else could do with this face.

Drive a car. I’ve learned to drive and I have no intention of taking my test but it might be fun to have a go and see if I could be any good at it. I’ve got a bit of time so it should be achievable but if not there is always go-carts.

Be on television. Preferably not the Jeremy Kyle Show or Crimewatch but I’m ruling nothing out. Might be fun to go on a game show or be an extra in a soap or even just hang around in the background of a news report.

Make gingerbread men. Sounds odd but I’ve never made it before and always fancied it. I’ve made biscuits, cakes, merringues and even had a go at chocolates but never made gingerbread men (except when I was small under supervision). I think I’ll make them some fancy-pants outfits to wear too.

Do something spontaneous. Obviously I”ve no idea what this will be or else it will defeat the object of it. You can’t plan to be spontaneous, just open to the idea of it. I’m notoriously crap at acting in the spur of the moment (except when it comes to hair cuts) so at some point between now and 40 I’ll do something radical when the oportunity presents itself.

Make something crafty. This was originally going to be ‘learn to knit’ but I tried that and bugger me, I’ve no chance. I almost lost my temper and threw the wool and needles at the nearest wall so I’ll leave that one and try something else. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know but I’m thinking maybe decorating something with something else (like broken stuff I find on the floor). We’ll keep this one open to suggestion.

Take a dog grooming class. I’m not sure if that’s something that actually exists or not in a day course but if it does, I’m in! I don’t want to be a dog groomer but I do like to do Dolly’s haircut and it would be great to get some professional tips for how to do a good job.

Find and watch the uncut version of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Until very recently I didn’t know there was an uncut version of this film, it’s long enough already, but apparantly there is and now I want in. I loved this film as a hopelessly romantic teen and I’ve no shame in admitting I had quite the crush on Kevin Costner. I will always be grateful they didn’t put him in tights.

Write a poem. I used to write poetry all the time, it was my thing. But then I stopped and for some reason never started again. I’d like to sit and write a poem, just to prove to myself I can still do it. None of the tormented wistful stuff of my youth though, something funny and witty and entertaining.

Lighten the fuck up! I overanalyze everything and constantly worry. I need to throw caution to the wind, jump in without looking and live for the moment from time to time.

Watch the sunrise. I’m 38 and have never stayed up all night or woken in time to watch the sun come up. I definitely want to see that. Yes there’s plenty of time and if it doesn’t happen this side of 40 it’s not the end of the world but I’ve been struggling to fill this list and now I’m not!

Pondering

I hadn’t planned on writing about Mental Illness again for a while but I’ve been having a bad couple of weeks and it got me thinking…what if I’ll never be rid of this?

People live with conditions that can’t be cured, only managed, all the time. What if this is one of those?

What if this is just how I am, forever?

The tablets, that seemed to be a miracle cure, have stopped being quite as effective as they were. Is this just a bad patch? Am I going to be able to climb back up again? Or actually, is this just a normal thing that happens to everyone? I get confused as to what I should be feeling while I’m taking my medication. Should I be feeling happy, elated, sad or desolate?

Should I be feeling anything at all?

I look around at everyone else and wonder if they struggle as I do. If this is normal? If I am normal?

I feel things too deeply, I think too much, I go over and over it all in my head until I’ve forgotten what exactly it was I was worrying about in the first place.

I want to stop taking the tablets, I know that isn’t going to happen. I’m not well and this is a real condition, it’s not in my head (except it is) and I need medicine to help me control my intensely low mood. But, even with it, the self-doubt creeps in.

I’m not good enough, I don’t do enough, I can’t cope with enough, I am not enough.

And it feels so ridiculous that I would feel this way because my life is wonderful. I am happy, I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful dog and wonderful family and friends. I enjoy my job (save for the moments when I lose faith in myself and start to believe I’m no good at it). I have no justification to feel the way I do and that’s how I know it’s an illness, because if I was well, I wouldn’t feel this way.

Life is a tightrope between tears and laughter and it’s hard to stay balanced. Ultimately, this is me and that isn’t going to change any time soon but I’ll keep treading the rope and moving forward.

I know I’m not the only person to feel this way. I know there are so many of us out there. Perhaps this IS normal. Just needed to get that out there. Keep on keeping on guys, we got this!

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day. Anyone who knows me, knows this is a subject very close to my heart and I want to take a moment to acknowledge it, and the importance of speaking out.

That’s why I’m literally speaking out. I write a lot and I know what I say resonates with people in similar situations because they tell me, but today I want to give my words a voice. My voice.

Mental Illness isn’t a dirty word.

Mental Illness isn’t something to be laughed at or ignored. It is no more a sign of weakness than having cancer or the flu or a broken bone. It is something that can affect us all at some point in our life, be it directly or indirectly.

We should not shy away from mental illness, we should talk about it before it becomes too much of a burden to carry and it crushes us beneath its weight. We should help other people by reaching out and asking them how they are and listening to the answer that is hidden behind the “I’m fine thanks” that will invariably follow.

We can recover from mental illness and we can relapse and it’s all part of the journey. It’s all okay. Just know that help is there. Be that help for someone else, reach out if you’re the person needing help yourself. Reach out when you feel yourself slipping, reach out before you fall too far.

Most of all, know this. Whether you have good mental health or whether you struggle, you are perfect, whole and complete. You are beautiful and you matter and whether you feel it or whether you don’t You make the world better by being a part of it.

There are lots of ways to help yourself heal, be it medication or meditation, talking therapies or just writing down the words to get them out keep trying until you get there and then keep trying some more. Take time to do things enjoy, if you don’t know what that is, dabble until you do. Be kind to yourself, love yourself until you start to FEEL that love again.

I want to finish by saying you never know what battle another person is fighting. Be kind because your compassion may be the catalyst that helps another person step back on the road to wellness.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me on my path, if I did it, so can you.

No matter how broken we might feel at times, we are strong, we are beautiful and we are whole.

Keep on keeping on, we’ve got this!

Dear Me

We all have bad patches and they aren’t necessarily anything to be worried about, but when you are in the midst of them, they are all you can see, feel and believe.

Cartoon version of me with short red hair looks depressed.

Since coming off my anti depressants I have started to scrutinize every low mood, every bad day and every tear. Is this a relapse? Am I destined to once again being medicated? Or is this simply what life feels like when it is experienced raw, glaring and without a buffer?

Generally speaking I find it quite hard to write about things while I’m going through them. It’s only as I come out through the other side of it all, and I can see the situation from another perspective, that I feel I can go back and write it all down. I think that’s partly why I’ve been so quiet on the blog of late. I don’t want to tempt fate when things are going well, but then when the doubt creeps in, everything becomes too real, the water gets murky and I can’t bring myself to put pen too paper for totally different reasons.

But now I think I need to, because maybe that will bring me the clarity I’m hoping for. I appear to slipped backwards into old habits, becoming my own worst critic and seeing myself through whatever the opposite of rose tinted glasses might be. Crap tinted glasses? Disgust tinted glasses? Shame tinted glasses? Whatever the lens prescription, I have noticed myself doing it and I’m currently trying to prize them away before they become permanently fused to my head and require medical intervention to get them back off.

I don’t really get why I’m like this with myself when I’m so different with other people. I encourage and support other people and yet discourage and rebuke myself and then devalue my efforts. I know we all go through stuff, we all struggle. So, once again comes the need to remove myself from the situation and view it from afar, as an impartial third party. When I consciously try I’ve learned to do it quite well.

Cartoon me with the word This is my life now.

For me one of the easiest ways to forgive my own shortcomings it’s try and imagine I’m talking to someone else, to afford myself the patience and compassion that I would extend to any other person.

And so, during this moment of clarity I have decided to write myself a letter and to read and reflect upon this when the self-loathing rears its head. When I can’t bear to be around myself anymore.

Cartoon me sitting at a desk with a quill writing a letter.

Dear Me,

I want to remind you that you are beautiful. You have a kind heart and although you struggle to believe it at times, you’re doing fine.

You matter and you have the right to exist and the right to be happy.

You try so hard to be a good person, you do your best to help other people when they need you and you try to write about the Demons in your head that would have you believe that you aren’t enough in order to help other people understand and fight the demons of their own. But the thing is, you are enough. It’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to feel less than happy, it doesn’t mean you’re failing or relapsing it just means you’re human.

It’s ok to want Solitude from time to time, it doesn’t mean you’re turning into a hermit. Give yourself permission to say no thank you to say I need some me time.

Well done for stepping out of your comfort zone and daring to go to Liverpool by yourself and to stay in a hotel away from home on your own. That was a big deal for you and you should be proud of your achievement. Now you know you can do it give yourself permission to say no thank you if you don’t want to do it again. But you never know, the next time maybe easier and you might enjoy a little bit more. Either option is fine.

It’s ok that you didn’t feel a late at the moment you got home. Doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for all deserving of the experience. Emotions take time to process and understand, and each day that passes give you a better view of the events that transpired and that elation and pride is starting to seep in.

Well done Claire, you did great.

Blips will happen and when they do don’t panic. Wait it out. Read this letter. You’ve come so far and you have a bright future ahead of you if you just believe nothing is permanent and everything is possible.

Trust in yourself because you’ve come this far, you can carry on and you can do great things.

Keep on keeping on the Claire, I’m proud of you, I believe in you and I love you.

– Me