Your Own Worst Critic or Your Own Best Friend

You’re useless!  Stop being such a pathetic coward. Grow up, don’t be such a baby. Idiot! Why did you say that? Now everyone knows how stupid you are. You can’t do anything right! I don’t even know why you bother to try! Just be quiet and stop annoying everyone.

Does this sound like something you would say to somebody?  I’d like to presume answer is no (if it’s not, we can’t be friends).  The words are cruel, vile and unnecessary and the thought of saying something like this to another person is vulgar. Yet, I’ve been guilty of saying these words many times over in the past and still do from time to time – not to anyone else, that’s unimaginable, but to myself.

To judge ourselves harshly, to berate and loathe ourselves seems to be socially acceptable and an ugly part of human nature.  We seem to somehow justify it. It’s as if it’s okay to treat ourselves in this awful way, a way in which we would never dream of treating another living being.

I really think we need to start being a lot kinder to ourselves, to show patience and compassion.  To realise that it’s okay to be scared, unsure, weak, tired and falible to - that’s part of being human.  Nobody expects us to be perfect, so why on earth do we expect this of ourselves. Setting such unachievable standards is a guaranteed road to failure. Putting so much pressure on ourselves is what leads to the self loathing when we don’t live up to our own expectations.  We feel so angry when we think of our own inadequacy that the only emotions we can feel are bad ones.

It’s one of those vicious circles that keep us spiralling downward. The worse we feel the more we hate ourselves, the more we hate ourselves the worse we feel, until eventually we are a blithering wreck with no confidence or drive.

So what if instead we try to talk to ourselves as if we were talking to a friend, or better yet the child version of us? Would you really want to make a child feel so worthless, sad and scared?  Of course not, only a sociopath would want to bully a child.  

What if we were to carry around a picture of the little version of us, either in our head or as a photograph on our phone, and look at that picture every time we start telling ourselves we aren’t good enough and imagine what we’d say to that child instead?  In our heart, aren’t we all just the child version of ourself, trying desperately to get through this crazy life unscathed?

Perhaps it’s time we came to our own defence? To stand up against the part of us that is quick to bite, to judge and to scold and instead to say, “It’s okay, you did your best and your best is good enough – and I love you little one, you’re doing fine”.

Enough Is Enough...

It's easy to feel like you aren't enough when you're living with a chaotic mind in a chaotic life.  When you have demands coming at you from every direction and you don't know which one to answer first, it's easy to just listen to the voice that shouts the loudest.  When that voice is your own, shouting that you aren't good enough, it's very difficult to ignore.

As humans it seems to be our nature to undervalue our own efforts and gloss over any success.  When you have anxiety and depression it's more profound than that. You loathe yourself, you feel like a failure all the time, you want to do well but no matter how well you do it isn't enough...you're never enough.

Although I can't speak for others I want to say that when it comes to recovery and the ongoing journey I take with anxiety this is especially true. I'm often guilty of judging myself too harshly in regards to how well I'm doing and it's only when I turn a corner and start to feel better I can accept my so called shortcomings.  This is where I am at the moment and this is why I wanted to write this now, so I can read it later when I need to give myself some advice.

This is it...

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

I'm human, I'm weak and I'm fallible and that's okay.  If we just give ourselves permission to be less than perfect we can start to accept ourselves and love our flaws. We can find a way to live with ourselves in a way that works.

While we need to accept ourselves, we should never stop trying to grow and develop, we just need to be a lot kinder in the way we go about it. We just need to find ways to do things so we can participate in the world without it feeling like a chore or a punishment.

Take me as an example.  I don't like unfamiliar surroundings and I hate having things sprung on me. I need time to plan, to feel a bit in control or else my panic.  It doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't make me boring.  It's just the way I am. Having a spontaneous husband doesn't make this easy but he is good for me.  He understands when I turn down the sudden suggestion of a night out but equally I am challenged to step out of my comfort zone from time to time.  So now, rather than always saying no, I try to deal with things by putting plans in place to give me back some of the control.  I plan how we're getting there, how we're getting home, how long we're likely to be out and often that's enough for me to go out and have a good time.  But sometimes it's all too much and I have to say no, I can't go out tonight, I'm freaking out...and that's okay.

It doesn't matter how many tries it takes, only that we don't give up.  Life is basically an extended period of trying. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we learn something and need to try again, sometimes we realise we're going in completely the wrong direction and need to change course and it's all okay.

I think the point I'm trying to make is, if we do what we can do, that's enough. Don't berate yourself, don't judge yourself harshly, don't be your own worst critic.

You did good...
 
   You did what you could...
    
      You did enough...

         You ARE enough.

The Road To Wellness

The catalyst isn't important in this story, after all, the why is different for everyone. Whether it be a build up of little things that eventually break the metaphorical camel's back or a huge, life shattering bombshell, the end result is the same - you cease to function correctly. And after a while, be it long or little, you start to realise that you can't sustain this way of living anymore.  You realise you need to take action and end this negative spiral. You realise there are 2 ways you can go.  You can stay where you are until the chaos consumes you and you're lost forever or you can fight your way through the fog and out the other side. This is the story of my route through the fog.

When I started taking the tablets it wasn't so much a choice, more a necessary.  I had contemplated it on and off for a while when I started realising I felt sad more often than I felt happy. I had talked myself out of it, thanks to the long list of preconceptions I'd put in my own way. This time it was different. This time I was at rock bottom and it wasn't so much as a suggestion from the doctor, more a direction. So I took the tablets and thought to myself this was going to be a miracle cure and thus began to attempt number one.

Three months later, after religiously taking my tablets I started to realise I felt okay again.  I was still quiet, introverted and lacking confidence but I was a lot more stable and less likely to burst into tears because somebody used the wrong tone of voice. So I went back to the doctor and said I'd like to come back off the tablets (after all I was on a relatively low dose anyway) And started to walk without my crutch.

What happens if you walk without a crutch before your leg has healed?  You end up hurting it again.

And so after a few weeks of feeling like I was coping I crashed and burned and realised that actually, nothing had changed. The things that had caused my stresses were still there, the way I reacted to those triggers hadn't changed and unfortunately I was unaware of any of that.  Once again, I was back in the fog feeling even more lost than the first time.

My stomach was heavy with nausea, my skin cold and clammy, my head aching with worry and there was me not wanting to go back to the doctor because I felt like a failure.  I thought the doctor would judge me because I hadn't coped or would refuse to let me have the tablets back because I hadn't given them long enough the first time around. You wouldn't believe the amount of reasons I invented to avoid going back, but once again when it all came to a head, I found myself back there having the same conversation with a few more tears, bearing my soul to a very understanding GP.  I haven't worried and I left the surgery with a prescription for a stronger dose and a feeling of great relief.

This time I stayed on the medication for a lot longer, around a year actually and by the time I came to make the decision to try again, I felt amazing.  I was stronger, I was more confident I had  a plan. I went back to the doctor and had a chat, I made it clear I wanted to come off the tablets gradually so that I wouldn't crash this time.  Unfortunately, I saw a locum who didn't know me and wasn't particularly helpful.  She advised me that I should reduce my dose by 10mgs a week for 4 weeks and then stop.  It sounded too fast, it sounded like a mistake but at the same time I felt so good I assumed this would be fine, after all, she was a doctor.

I followed her advice and within a week of completely stopping I was having palpitations, dizzy spells nausea, tears and hanging on to the top of a very slippery slope with a steep drop. Fortunately, I recognised my symptoms before they overtook me and I feel very proud of the fact I went back to the doctors (again) And did what was best for me.

And so this is where I find myself today.  Yes, I'm still on the tablets, but actually, that's okay.  I'm happy, I'm comfortable in my own head which is the biggest achievement and a feat that once seemed impossible.

So now, rather than worry about when and how I'm going to come off of the tablets I'm living in the now.  I'm using this new found clarity to learn new ways of thinking, new ways to handle the challenges and obstacles life has the habit of hurling in our way and new ways to help other people that are living a similar experience.

A Thought For Sunday

From now on I intend to live my life by my own standards in accordance with my own conscience. I was not put on the earth to win other people's approval. I was put here to make a difference, to be kind, to help others and to grow as a human being. I might not always make the right choices but I always try and when I make a mistake I admit it and take the lesson. From this point on I'm not going to worry about what people might think of me because that's their business, that's their journey and I'm not travelling in their direction.

Silencing The Critic Within

If there's one thing life has taught me. It's that we are our own worst critic. Other people's false opinions of us in our formative years help us form the opinions we hold of ourselves in the years to follow. It's not particularly helpful. She's shy, she's not very confident, she's a bit scatty. He's not very clever, he's socially awkward, his boisterous.

The thing is, we are not these things...we are whoever or whatever we want to be. We are pure potential and if only the voice that shouted the loudest when we were working out what we were to become was the voice that screamed "YOU CAN DO IT" we would be looking at a very different us right now.

But that is not to say that this you can't emerge. We are always growing, always changing and there is no limit to what we can do with the right mindset. What if we went back and turned every "You can't" into an "I can", every cruel word into a kind one? Or observe these cruelties as a third party and intervene on our own behalf?

If we could love ourselves with the compassion of a parent, or a friend and encourage ourselves to progress with a supportive smile and the belief that we can achieve anything we set our mind and heart , there would be no boundaries to what we could become.

So the next time somebody says something unkind, something unsupportive or derogatory, please, don't believe them. Instead, be your own cheerleader and remind yourself that actually, you are quite brilliant and capable of great things.

Stop With The Shouty Rage

Why is the world so angry? Imagine if we could all just let go of that anger and focus on how we could make the world a happier, kinder place. How much nicer would the world be for all of us if we could just stop being expressions of our own rage?

Maybe all it takes is the decision to change our thinking and the patience to make it a habit. I have spent a large portion of my life as an unwitting hostage to my own way of thinking. I saw the negatives in each situation, worried about things that could go wrong, felt resentful when things didn't go well and chose to believe I had no choice but to accept these feelings and suffer them. I was wrong.

What if I told you, being offended was a choice? Or being upset, or angry or hurt? Admittedly, it's a choice that we are often unconscious of but once we get our head around that fact, it becomes a lot easier to take yourself out of other peoples business and just get on with being happy. Not being offended, or upset, angry or hurt is also a choice. It's not as easy as the first option but it is far more beneficial.

If someone is rude to you and says something hurtful or does something that is a horrible reflection on them. If you choose to believe them or be offended by what they say and do, then who suffers? Only you. Better to let them live their life in a way they see fit and focus on living your own.

It takes a lot of work, but it can be done. The trick I've found is to notice your thoughts and when a negative one creeps in, acknowledge it and then replace it with something more beneficial. Little by little you might notice a shift in how you're thinking and feeling because your thoughts affect your feelings. If you can choose how you react to those thoughts the possibilities for happiness are endless and if we're all feeling happier and being nicer, imagine what the world could become.