A New Year Revolution

Yes, you read that correctly. 2017 has arrived and brought with it, once again, the promise of a new start. A chance to wipe the slate clean and recreate a happy new you.



Shop windows are adorned with pictures of salad eating, sportswear clad people utilising all kinds of ungodly exercise equipment. Telling us that we can and more than that, should, starve and sweat our way to being something more desirable.



Adverts for gyms, low fat foods, diet supplements and meal plans all shout the message loud and clear. We need to change. Well I’m saying the only thing we need to change is our attitude towards ourselves.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to improve and grow. By all means if we want to tone up or lose weight or whatever, we should do that. We should however do it because we want to and not because January says we should. As far as health fads and weight loss goes, thin doesn’t necessarily mean happy. I’ve been thin and it was one of the most joyless times in my life. That’s not to say I was miserable because I was thin, that had nothing to do with it, but the two don’t go together and losing 2 stone isn’t going to be the magic wand we are programmed to believe it is.

If we have indulged at Christmas and gained a bit of insulation I’m pretty sure it’s going to drop off once we return to our normal routine. We don’t need to join a gym that we will got to for a month and pay for until the end of the year. We don’t need to starve ourselves with grapefruit diets and carrot sticks. Life is short and you’d better believe I’m going to eat cake!

The most unhealthy thing about a January health kick is the way it can make us feel – like we aren’t okay as we are, we aren’t enough. What is that about? We are fine as we are and we need to celebrate what makes us who we are, not try to change that person.
Happiness comes from within so if you want to throw yourself head first into a pursuit, let it be to find what motivates you, what stirs your soul and makes you excited to get up each day. Or to find a place of quiet contentment within you that you can enjoy in each moment of your being.

Let’s embrace our so called imperfections, they are souvenirs from a life well lived and of lessons learned. They are evidence of our happy moments and our battle scars from victories won. Let’s be proud of all we have achieved, however small or insignificant we might feel it is. It’s brought us here to this moment.

What if instead of trying to change who we are we use that energy to look back at how far we have come? Look at everything we have achieved in the last year and try to build on that. Resolve to accept ourselves and love the bits we struggle to love.

I for one will be happy and comfortable in my size 16 clothes and the body that lies beneath them. As for the person that lives inside all that, well I bloody love her too!

Don’t try to change who you are, celebrate it, because you’re amazing.

Happy New Year Everyone, be kind to yourselves.

My Husband, My Hero

Loving someone with depression and anxiety can be as hard as having it yourself. Having been in both positions, sometimes simultaneously, I feel quite qualified to make that statement. To see somebody you love so much going through something you know to be so awful makes you feel helpless, frustrated and sad.

On the surface, my husband is the happiest, bubbliest and most joyful person you could meet.  He is the life and soul of the party, the one others go to in order to be uplifted.  He is amazing.  His constant desire to help others and bring them happiness is nothing but inspiring and he does it out of a genuine love and want to make the world a better place for the people in it and he wouldn’t change a thing.  Helping others smile is what motivates him and always has been.

He is my hero.

But he is human too and underneath the surface he is as sensitive and fragile as the next person.  Some days he struggles to wear a smile and some days he doesn’t manage at all.  When you give so much of yourself to other people it’s easy to forget to hold something back for yourself.  It’s easy to become overwhelmed.

His depression isn’t the same as mine.  He deals with it differently and while I make no claim to be an expert on the subject, I feel this is true of everyone.  No two people experience mental illness in the same way.  Just because we may have been through similar experiences, it doesn’t mean we know how another person with the same diagnosis is feeling and it’s important to realise that what works for one person may be completely useless and irrelevant to another. What triggers my anxiety alleviates my husbands. When I’m not feeling good I’d rather stay in and cuddle up with a cup of tea and a trashy American cop show.  When JJ feels anxious he’d much rather get out into the world and do something, when he’s feeling depressed he just wants to sleep. I’m sure for other people the triggers are different as are the coping methods, we’re all unique. It’s not caused by weakness any more than somebody getting the flu. It is something we can get better from but it’s not a quick fix. It’s not something to be ashamed of it is something to be learned about and understood.

But what is true, and what we can assume is this…the best thing we can do for a loved one who is depressed is to be there for them, to make sure they know how much they are loved when they are feeling unlovable.  To make sure they know how much they are valued when they are feeling worthless.  To let them know you are there when they are feeling alone. To offer them your patience when they don’t know how to express themselves. To offer them a friendly ear without the pressure of having to talk if they don’t want to.  To just be there for them with the reassurance you aren’t going away and encourage them to get the help they need, whatever that may be.

I love you JJ, you inspire me every day.

Keep being you.

Bad Fire

I don't really get bad moods anymore.  I'm so thankful for that.  Sometimes I still feel sad,  sometimes I still feel anxious, sometimes I feel elated and sometimes I'm slightly annoyed.  But what has gone is the overwhelming irritation that rises up from within,  seemingly without reason and causes me to feel so angry it's tangible.  It itches from within,  it hurts and it can't be explained or understood,  it's just there.  

It builds like fire, rising up and taking over. The spark that starts it can be anything or nothing. Spontaneous internal combustion, volatile and unstable, ready to flare up at any moment with no prior warning or explanation. Something that didn't irritate you one day can make you explode the next and without notice. You're hurting from within, scratching at this invisible sore that you can't understand and you can't explain.

And the only way to quell this awful feeling is to lash out, be it at yourself or other people in your life.  To shout, scream and snap. It's not really anyones fault and deep down you know that, they're just in the wrong place at the right time.  You aren't in control, you don't do it on purpose, it just happens. A harsh, biting word, a raised voice, a nasty look. It comes from somewhere other than you, somewhere dark and primal.

And then there's the brief spell of blessed relief. The itching has stopped,  the anger is gone and for the briefest moment, there is peace.  You can breathe again. The storm has passed and you can hear yourself think.

But then the guilt starts to fill the void and you're plagued with remorse for your outburst.  You shouldn't have lashed out like that,  you should have kept your temper. You hate how awful you made the other person feel with your carelessly thrown words.  Why are you such a nasty horrible person? Your mind forces you to play it back, over and over again until it bears no resemblance to your actual transgression and you start feeling irritated again and you feel that itch to start burning in your chest and stomach once again.

I hadn't noticed the absence of these feelings until recently I saw a glimpse of my former self in the eyes of someone else and I realised how much better my life is now without rage. It can be beaten. It can be controlled. It can be overcome. You don't have to live with this pain. There is help out there in so many different forms. Find one that works for you and start to enjoy life and embrace it.


    

Thanks For The Memories

Something occurred to me today and I wanted to share. It's to do with my depression and realising how severely affected by it I was. This isn't to say this is what made me get help because it's not, but once I'd started treatment and it had started working this is what I noticed.  I was incredibly negative. This was pointed out to me by Facebook in the form of the memories that would pop up on my timeline each day.  At the time I was just ranting, in my mmind, Iwas being rather amusing with my observations of how irritating other people were, but now when I look back I cringe and realise how deeply unhappy I actually was.

It came out as anger, bitterness and cynicism. I'd complain about the bus, the people on the bus, customers at work, how busy it was in town, service I was getting iintoshops, my neighbours and anything else that had the misfortune of crossing my path.

I was a victim of depression and couldn't see it because depression does that, it masks everything. It's probably a way of coping by mdoingnothing your fault and putting the responsibility for your happiness elsewhere.

Although I didn't realise I was depressed I knew I was never happy.  I cried often, I was ierraticand had lots of mood swings.  I had headaches, feelings of dread and constantly felt tired.

When I finally got treatment and started feeling better I slowly noticed the change in my Facebook posts, they became happier.  When I was reading my memories I was horrified at how bitter and negative they were but that is simply the nature of the beast.

For the last year I have deleted the negative statuses each day when my Memories come up. It's very cathartic and for the last few weeks I have had only happy memories and kind words appearing when I check my account.

The reason I wanted to share this is because if I knew then what I know now I might have noticed the negative trend and bbeingable to identify the fact I wasn't well and got help much sooner.  I don't regret it, because everything that has happened has led me here.  But if sharing this helps somebody else notice that their own way of thinking is perhaps not conducive to their own happiness, maybe it will help them seek help and heal.

Lots of love xx

Introspective

Nobody consciously chooses depression. Nobody wakes up and thinks, "I know what might be fun... feeling afraid to go out". Nobody wants to be the one amongst their friends with a long list of reasons as to why they can't do something, the one that is always cancelling at the last minute and the one that feels sick every time the phone rings because they haven't had time to think of a decent excuse yet. Nobody wants to live in the constant fear of the uncertainty the future holds. Nobody wants to feel so painfully lonely, but at the same time dread company because you've forgotten how to function with others but that was what my depression felt like.

I was consumed with worrying thoughts that people didn't like me. In reality the problem I had was that I didn't like me. Every negative thought was a step away from who I was. I had turned against myself and slowly spiralled downwards until I was in a hole that seemed too deep to climb out of. Of course I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling. I wore my smile as often as I could, but the mask slipped more and more and flashes of anger and sadness came through.

I didn't want to feel that way, but equally I didn't know how not to. Those feelings had become normal and it was just part of who I was. I wasn't confident, I was over-emotional, I was volatile, but that was me and I just needed to live with it and try to soldier on. I decided I just needed to try harder to control these emotions, to get on with it and get out there into the world, to function when I couldn't think of anything more impossible.

But as time would reveal, when anxiety and depression take hold of you it's not as simple as just deciding you're not going to be feeling that way anymore and flicking a switch. For me, it took medication.

My symptoms included hot flashes of panic, a feeling like the walls were closing in, intense feelings of nausea and convincing myself I had untold numbers of medical conditions. I couldn't think straight and the problem had become very real indeed. My mind was scrambled and no amount of positive thinking was going to change that.

The first step, the hardest step, was recognising the fact that I was ill. It felt like a failure, like admitting defeat and realising I couldn't cope with life and it was horrible - but that was the illness speaking.

I struggled with the idea of taking the tablets, feeling somehow as if I'd failed, but I also knew that I couldn't carry on in my current state and so I took the tablets and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and the best decision I've ever made - but that's a story for another day.

6 Things I Assumed About Taking Antidepressants

1. They would change who I was and steal from me the best bits of my personality.

I have always seen myself as a funny, bubbly person but when funny and bubbly became interspersed with irratic and tearful I needed to admit I needed help. One of the main reasons I fought against taking the tablets for such a long time is I thought they would take away my moments of elation along with the sadness and I wasn't sure it was a sacrifice worth making. It turned out my fears were unfounded and instead they allowed me to enjoy all the good bits of my personality without the anticipation of the low that would surely strike at any given moment.

2. Taking Antidepressants Meant Admitting I Had Failed At Life.

Why wasn't I strong enough to cope with life on my own when everyone around me was doing so well? Depression isolates you and clouds your judgement. Since I've been taking them and found my way back to wellness I have realised that other people are struggling just as much as I was and a surprising number of my friends have also taken tablets at some stage in their life to help them cope with their own emotions.

3. I Was A Weak Person.

I thought the the fact I was having such a hard time mentally and that I needed this crutch to help me cope must mean I was weak. In hindsight, thinking through a clear mind, I acknowledge the tremendous amount of strength it took to get help and admit I needed support and medication.

4. Other People Would Judge Me.

I assumed others would disapprove of me if they knew I had resorted to taking tablets. It turned out this could not have been further from the truth. The majority of people were incredibly supportive, many had been through it themselves, others were still going through it. People commended me for being brave enough to take that step and to also have to courage to talk about it. In truth, I was telling people because I felt dishonest if I didn't, like an athlete taking performance enhancing drugs. But actually it helped to talk about it, it was cathartic and took away from the stigma I had attached to the situation.

5. The Side Effects Would Be Horrendous.

In truth the side effects were minimal and far more desirable than the side effects caused by my anxiety and depression. Anxiety was making me ill. I'd convinced myself I was dying of all manner of terminal illnesses because the very real symptoms caused by stress mimicked so many other things. The tablets on the other hand, gave me strange dreams for a month or so and made me feel tired for a while until I had the sense to take them at night...and that was it.

6. They Would Define Me And Who I Was.

I thought that being on tablets would become part of my identity and would change the way other people saw me. In reality all it did was calm my nerves and allow me to get back to enjoying my life and living it to the fullest and being my best self. So while the Antidepressants haven't defined me at all, they have allowed me to define myself in whatever way I wanted and given me back my confidence, my smile and my life.