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A New Year Revolution

Yes, you read that correctly. 2017 has arrived and brought with it, once again, the promise of a new start. A chance to wipe the slate clean and recreate a happy new you.



Shop windows are adorned with pictures of salad eating, sportswear clad people utilising all kinds of ungodly exercise equipment. Telling us that we can and more than that, should, starve and sweat our way to being something more desirable.



Adverts for gyms, low fat foods, diet supplements and meal plans all shout the message loud and clear. We need to change. Well I’m saying the only thing we need to change is our attitude towards ourselves.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to improve and grow. By all means if we want to tone up or lose weight or whatever, we should do that. We should however do it because we want to and not because January says we should. As far as health fads and weight loss goes, thin doesn’t necessarily mean happy. I’ve been thin and it was one of the most joyless times in my life. That’s not to say I was miserable because I was thin, that had nothing to do with it, but the two don’t go together and losing 2 stone isn’t going to be the magic wand we are programmed to believe it is.

If we have indulged at Christmas and gained a bit of insulation I’m pretty sure it’s going to drop off once we return to our normal routine. We don’t need to join a gym that we will got to for a month and pay for until the end of the year. We don’t need to starve ourselves with grapefruit diets and carrot sticks. Life is short and you’d better believe I’m going to eat cake!

The most unhealthy thing about a January health kick is the way it can make us feel – like we aren’t okay as we are, we aren’t enough. What is that about? We are fine as we are and we need to celebrate what makes us who we are, not try to change that person.
Happiness comes from within so if you want to throw yourself head first into a pursuit, let it be to find what motivates you, what stirs your soul and makes you excited to get up each day. Or to find a place of quiet contentment within you that you can enjoy in each moment of your being.

Let’s embrace our so called imperfections, they are souvenirs from a life well lived and of lessons learned. They are evidence of our happy moments and our battle scars from victories won. Let’s be proud of all we have achieved, however small or insignificant we might feel it is. It’s brought us here to this moment.

What if instead of trying to change who we are we use that energy to look back at how far we have come? Look at everything we have achieved in the last year and try to build on that. Resolve to accept ourselves and love the bits we struggle to love.

I for one will be happy and comfortable in my size 16 clothes and the body that lies beneath them. As for the person that lives inside all that, well I bloody love her too!

Don’t try to change who you are, celebrate it, because you’re amazing.

Happy New Year Everyone, be kind to yourselves.

Your Own Worst Critic or Your Own Best Friend

You’re useless!  Stop being such a pathetic coward. Grow up, don’t be such a baby. Idiot! Why did you say that? Now everyone knows how stupid you are. You can’t do anything right! I don’t even know why you bother to try! Just be quiet and stop annoying everyone.

Does this sound like something you would say to somebody?  I’d like to presume answer is no (if it’s not, we can’t be friends).  The words are cruel, vile and unnecessary and the thought of saying something like this to another person is vulgar. Yet, I’ve been guilty of saying these words many times over in the past and still do from time to time – not to anyone else, that’s unimaginable, but to myself.

To judge ourselves harshly, to berate and loathe ourselves seems to be socially acceptable and an ugly part of human nature.  We seem to somehow justify it. It’s as if it’s okay to treat ourselves in this awful way, a way in which we would never dream of treating another living being.

I really think we need to start being a lot kinder to ourselves, to show patience and compassion.  To realise that it’s okay to be scared, unsure, weak, tired and falible to - that’s part of being human.  Nobody expects us to be perfect, so why on earth do we expect this of ourselves. Setting such unachievable standards is a guaranteed road to failure. Putting so much pressure on ourselves is what leads to the self loathing when we don’t live up to our own expectations.  We feel so angry when we think of our own inadequacy that the only emotions we can feel are bad ones.

It’s one of those vicious circles that keep us spiralling downward. The worse we feel the more we hate ourselves, the more we hate ourselves the worse we feel, until eventually we are a blithering wreck with no confidence or drive.

So what if instead we try to talk to ourselves as if we were talking to a friend, or better yet the child version of us? Would you really want to make a child feel so worthless, sad and scared?  Of course not, only a sociopath would want to bully a child.  

What if we were to carry around a picture of the little version of us, either in our head or as a photograph on our phone, and look at that picture every time we start telling ourselves we aren’t good enough and imagine what we’d say to that child instead?  In our heart, aren’t we all just the child version of ourself, trying desperately to get through this crazy life unscathed?

Perhaps it’s time we came to our own defence? To stand up against the part of us that is quick to bite, to judge and to scold and instead to say, “It’s okay, you did your best and your best is good enough – and I love you little one, you’re doing fine”.

DON'T PANIC...(But If You Do, That's Okay).

It's easy to talk about how there's nothing to feel ashamed of when you have a mental health condition. There's no need to feel embarrassed any more so than if you have a headache or a cold. I tell people all the time and I firmly believe it. But saying it is one thing, feeling it when you are having a panic attack, or in the midst of a depressive episode, is quite another.

I recently had a bit of a set back and found myself having a panic attack at work.  My managers were great, my colleagues also. Everyone was so supportive and yet I felt like I had failed. I felt weak, and like I had let myself down.  I was a disappointment, embarrassed and ashamed.  I felt all the things I so strongly believe nobody should have to feel because of something that isn't their fault. So why did this feel like it was my fault?  I should have been able to stay in control, stay composed, swallow down those feelings. I've been there before, right? Shouldn't I have a handle on it by now?

When I thought of people at work seeing me in such a dishevelled state I was mortified. My swollen eyes, puffy face, hyperventilating, out of control in panic.  A panic I couldn't stop from building up, sweeping over me washing me away to a place where I couldn't feel my feet on the ground.

Obviously, rationally I know its okay to go through stuff.  I know my mind is as unique as the next person, we are all wired differently and some of us are prone to these feelings.  I know it isn't my fault and it's okay to break down from time to time.  I know all that and yet I still feel these feelings.

But do you know what?  That's okay too. I'm not going to sit and dwell on these feelings because that is only going to make me feel worse. They will pass in time and I'll once again come to the point where they don't embarrass me any more and I don't cringe and recoil at the memory.

But, until then I'll live with it, accept it and forgive myself for feeling like I need to forgive myself.  Moving forward one day at a time on this journey that is my life, trying to understand what makes me tick until I can live happily and comfortably in my own head again.

My Husband, My Hero

Loving someone with depression and anxiety can be as hard as having it yourself. Having been in both positions, sometimes simultaneously, I feel quite qualified to make that statement. To see somebody you love so much going through something you know to be so awful makes you feel helpless, frustrated and sad.

On the surface, my husband is the happiest, bubbliest and most joyful person you could meet.  He is the life and soul of the party, the one others go to in order to be uplifted.  He is amazing.  His constant desire to help others and bring them happiness is nothing but inspiring and he does it out of a genuine love and want to make the world a better place for the people in it and he wouldn’t change a thing.  Helping others smile is what motivates him and always has been.

He is my hero.

But he is human too and underneath the surface he is as sensitive and fragile as the next person.  Some days he struggles to wear a smile and some days he doesn’t manage at all.  When you give so much of yourself to other people it’s easy to forget to hold something back for yourself.  It’s easy to become overwhelmed.

His depression isn’t the same as mine.  He deals with it differently and while I make no claim to be an expert on the subject, I feel this is true of everyone.  No two people experience mental illness in the same way.  Just because we may have been through similar experiences, it doesn’t mean we know how another person with the same diagnosis is feeling and it’s important to realise that what works for one person may be completely useless and irrelevant to another. What triggers my anxiety alleviates my husbands. When I’m not feeling good I’d rather stay in and cuddle up with a cup of tea and a trashy American cop show.  When JJ feels anxious he’d much rather get out into the world and do something, when he’s feeling depressed he just wants to sleep. I’m sure for other people the triggers are different as are the coping methods, we’re all unique. It’s not caused by weakness any more than somebody getting the flu. It is something we can get better from but it’s not a quick fix. It’s not something to be ashamed of it is something to be learned about and understood.

But what is true, and what we can assume is this…the best thing we can do for a loved one who is depressed is to be there for them, to make sure they know how much they are loved when they are feeling unlovable.  To make sure they know how much they are valued when they are feeling worthless.  To let them know you are there when they are feeling alone. To offer them your patience when they don’t know how to express themselves. To offer them a friendly ear without the pressure of having to talk if they don’t want to.  To just be there for them with the reassurance you aren’t going away and encourage them to get the help they need, whatever that may be.

I love you JJ, you inspire me every day.

Keep being you.

Life In The Shadow Of Anxiety And Depression

It's impossible to think straight when the walls start closing in around you. Something that would be insignificant when perceived through a rational mind is life threatening when you are in an extended state of panic. A panic that grows and grows until it's bigger than the problem that created it,  until it's bigger than you. It blocks out the solution, it blocks out everything.  You wish you didn't feel this way, but you can't remember what it feels like not to.  

Your stomach is in knots, your skin flushes ice cold, but you're sweating, burning up inside.  Each time you think of the thing that's brought you here the feeling intensifies.  Your heart pounds hard in your chest,  you feel every painful beat. You want to cry, and sometimes you can but sometimes the tears won't come and you're trapped with the fear.  It's exhausting to live with.  A constant state of being ready to fight, terrified you won't have the energy to win this battle for yet another day.  And you can't talk about it because nobody would understand,  or they would judge you,  or see you for the failure you feel you are,  or they would find out the secret you have tried so hard and for so long to conceal.

These are the times you would give anything for the sorrow, the all consuming grief that shakes you with heavy sobs. The solace of letting go, a release valve to try and relieve the tension, the fear, the feelings of worthlessness. Trying somehow to cry the pain away, but never quite managing it.  A sorrow so profound it leaves you exhausted,  broken and weak. When the tears come you don't think they're ever going to stop. Your eyes are puffy, your face swollen and red, your body aching and your heart, your lungs, your entire chest hurts. You feel sick from the fatigue of crying so hard and yet you cannot stop. 

These are the times you long for the numbness. The days when you don't feel anything at all.  You see people around you, laughing happily, but you feel nothing. It doesn't hurt, there is no fear, there isn't anything at all. You watch the world through grey tinted glasses, alone amongst friends. You're along for the ride with no idea how you you got on it or where to get off.  Trying to fit in, laughing at the jokes, smiling in all the right places,  but it never quite reaches your eyes. Hearing everything as a dull, muffled blur as if from under a heavy blanket. Staring into the middle distance,  your eyes fixed on nothing. Your mind blank and empty, your heart more so. Trapped in a state of apathy and lethargy, you are hollow, lost and without hope, aspiration or motivation.

These are the times you have to keep fighting. To reach out and grab whatever it takes to stop you falling any further away from yourself. To talk to someone,  to write down your feelings just to get them out, to scream into a pillow. To keep going and hold on to the thought that this too will pass and maybe with a bit of help, you can find your way back to the path back to wellness, the path back to you.

Bad Fire

I don't really get bad moods anymore.  I'm so thankful for that.  Sometimes I still feel sad,  sometimes I still feel anxious, sometimes I feel elated and sometimes I'm slightly annoyed.  But what has gone is the overwhelming irritation that rises up from within,  seemingly without reason and causes me to feel so angry it's tangible.  It itches from within,  it hurts and it can't be explained or understood,  it's just there.  

It builds like fire, rising up and taking over. The spark that starts it can be anything or nothing. Spontaneous internal combustion, volatile and unstable, ready to flare up at any moment with no prior warning or explanation. Something that didn't irritate you one day can make you explode the next and without notice. You're hurting from within, scratching at this invisible sore that you can't understand and you can't explain.

And the only way to quell this awful feeling is to lash out, be it at yourself or other people in your life.  To shout, scream and snap. It's not really anyones fault and deep down you know that, they're just in the wrong place at the right time.  You aren't in control, you don't do it on purpose, it just happens. A harsh, biting word, a raised voice, a nasty look. It comes from somewhere other than you, somewhere dark and primal.

And then there's the brief spell of blessed relief. The itching has stopped,  the anger is gone and for the briefest moment, there is peace.  You can breathe again. The storm has passed and you can hear yourself think.

But then the guilt starts to fill the void and you're plagued with remorse for your outburst.  You shouldn't have lashed out like that,  you should have kept your temper. You hate how awful you made the other person feel with your carelessly thrown words.  Why are you such a nasty horrible person? Your mind forces you to play it back, over and over again until it bears no resemblance to your actual transgression and you start feeling irritated again and you feel that itch to start burning in your chest and stomach once again.

I hadn't noticed the absence of these feelings until recently I saw a glimpse of my former self in the eyes of someone else and I realised how much better my life is now without rage. It can be beaten. It can be controlled. It can be overcome. You don't have to live with this pain. There is help out there in so many different forms. Find one that works for you and start to enjoy life and embrace it.