REBT

Had you asked me if I were an optimist, up until a very short time ago I would have said “Yes, of course”. I always try to see the best in everyone and in every situation. I go to work each day hoping for a positive experience and I go to bed each night fully expecting to wake up the next day. That’s optimism, right?

But while I always believed my glass to be half full, there was a constant fear I’d knock it over. The more I thought about it the more examples I could find of times when I would be hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

My boss would ask to speak to me and my heart would pound as I wondered what I had done wrong. What shortcoming was about to be exposed? I felt like I wasn’t enough and it was only a matter of time before everybody else would see the truth.

A letter arriving in the post would send my head spinning and my skin would flush with fire. I would be sure it was going to be a bill I couldn’t afford to pay (despite the fact I’ve always been fortunate enough to have sufficient to pay them).

If I was invited out for an evening fear would set in. I’d know I wasn’t going to have fun and I would feel out of place.

Yes, it turns out I am a pessimist, or at least I was. I am now choosing to identify as a recovering pessimist.

I feel like I have been taking antidepressants for so long they have become a part of my identity. Am I predisposed to depression due to being a pessimist or am I a pessimist due to depression, and can I change?

I decided to rewire and retrain my brain. To switch to positive thinking and optimism and to move away from a negative mindset and I found an amazing place to start.

Let me tell you a little bit about REBT.

When I decided that a new way of thinking was in order I did a quick Google Search. This is one of the first things that came up when I typed in ‘can you change from being a pessimist to an optimist’.

So what is it? Well it stands for Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and it’s part of the same family of therapies as CBT.

It is founded on the belief that our emotions are not disturbed by events themselves but our interpretations of those events.

According to the founder of REBT there are 10 cognitive distortions that act as lenses we experience things through.

1. Mental filtering – focusing on negative events rather than any positive outcome.

2. Jumping to conclusions – assuming the worst.

3. Personalisation – Disproportionately blaming yourself when things go wrong.

4. Black and white thinking – All or nothing, good or bad, right or wrong.

5. Catastrophising – believing things to be much worse than they are.

6. Overgeneralization – everything ALWAYS goes wrong.

7. Labeling – I’m useless, I’m a failure etc.

8. Should and Must – This should happen this way, this must not happen!

9. Emotional Reasoning – viewing a situation based on how we felt in that moment.

10. Magnification and minimisation – magnifying other people’s positive attributes while minimising your own.

There are 3 basic ‘Musts’ that cause the distortions.

1. I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good.

2. Other people must treat me fairly or else they are no good.

3. I must get what I want when I want it or else I can’t stand it.

REBT uses the ABCDE Method to look at our thoughts and reframe them into more healthy and helpful ones.

A – Activating event. An event that happens in our environment.

B – Belief you have about the event that has happened.

C – Consequence. The emotional response to your belief.

D – Disputing the unhelpful belief.

E – Effect of deactivating the unhelpful belief.

So in my case, one of my massive triggers and fears was making a mistake at work.

A – Going to work.

B – If I make a mistake it will be terrible. I will get in trouble with my boss and lose my job and end up destitute.

C – Panic attacks, crying, being off work sick.

With reflection and effort I’ve got to D & E.

D – People make mistakes all the time and they’re rarely serious enough to result in dismissal. I always work hard and try my best and as long as I do that, the odd mistake from time to time is okay.

E – I am calmer, more forgiving of myself and happier at work.

The ultimate goal in this is to shift your thinking from the three musts to the three types of acceptance, these are…

1. I am imperfect and that is ok. I have worth regardless of my shortcomings.

2. Other people will treat me unfairly at times and that is ok. It does not remove their worth or my own.

3. Life doesn’t always have to go to plan or be pleasant. It isn’t awful and it is usually at least bearable.

So there it is, a very brief summary of REBT. I’ve personally found it really helpful.

We Got This

Since reducing my dose of Citalopram I’ve been doing really well. My CBT has helped me deal with issues before they become too big. Yesterday, the feelings of fear and inadequacy came back. I addressed them and today, I’m much better.

I am recovering.

CBT taught me is that my anxiety isn’t without cause. I thought I was just wired wrong but actually I was refusing to acknowledge the things I was anxious about and address them.

My worries would stare at me in the night from dark corners.

Now I carry a torch.

Do the thing you’re scared of and it loses its power over you. It took me 41 years and therapy to work that out.

I am absolutely determined to get my mind working in a way that is helpful to me and I’m prepared to put in the work.

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Facebook Comments

Categories

POETRY

Let Your Wrinkles Twinkle

Post author

By Claire Lucia-Wright

Post date

21st February 2020

Like the wearing down of pages of a much-loved dogeared book our faces tell the stories of our lives.

For love may come or love may go and joy or pain abound, but each furrow speaks the tale that we survived.

Soft creases in a silk scarf over time, becoming deeper, every smile and every worry leaves it’s line.

Every moment we have lived and each adventure we embarked on placed their stories on our face, so let them shine.

Know that aging is a privilege that not everyone is given, so rejoice and wear your grey hair like a crown.

Then every wrinkle on your face becomes a radiant badge of honour for each time you got back up when you were down.

There is beauty in each blemish, there is magic in each mark and such wisdom you have learned along your way.

So let each wrinkle twinkle, smile and let each crease be loved because you’ve earned it with each passing of the day.

Claire Lucia-Wright

Facebook Comments

Categories

MENTAL HEALTH

REAL LIFE STUFF

SELF CARE

Important Announcement

Post author

By Claire Lucia-Wright

Post date

19th November 2019

Okay, I need to write this because this is important. To anyone currently living with and battling with a mental health condition… You are awesome. You don’t feel it, but you are. Each day you are holding your head above water by whatever means available to you.

You are no less inspiring than the most motivational of motivational speakers.

You are no less strong than the strongest of weight lifters.

You areano less important than the most prominent VIP and no less valid than any other human being on this planet!

Having a mental health crisis is not a sign of weakness or failure, it is a symptom of an illness that you can, with the right support, manage and recover from. If that means medication, take it! If it means changing your lifestyle, do it. If it means lessening your contact with toxic people, bid them a hearty buh-bye and start taking your life in a better direction, one the serves you.

Let go of “should”. I should be able to cope better, I should be dealing with this better, I should be happy. You are where you are. Be gentle with yourself and know that with support you can get to the place you want to be, but please, do not feel ashamed of where you are now.

Our brains are a part of our body and there is no distinction between an ill body and and ill mind so stop beating yourself up!

If your body isn’t getting enough vitamin D, take a supplement. If your brain isn’t getting enough seratonin, get some from your doctor and let yourself feel better.

If your shoulder is strained from over use rest it. If your mind is strained from prolonged stress, rest it!

If you’re injured in a car accident, physiotherapy can help you put your body back together. If your mind is injured through trauma, taking therapy could help you put your mind back together.

There are so many causes of anxiety, depression and mental illness but I’m telling you now, being a failure is not one of them!

So please, KEEP GOING. I promise you are worth it.

Let Your Wrinkles Twinkle

Like the wearing down of pages of a much-loved dogeared book our faces tell the stories of our lives.

For love may come or love may go and joy or pain abound, but each furrow speaks the tale that we survived.

Soft creases in a silk scarf over time, becoming deeper, every smile and every worry leaves it’s line.

Every moment we have lived and each adventure we embarked on placed their stories on our face, so let them shine.

Know that aging is a privilege that not everyone is given, so rejoice and wear your grey hair like a crown.

Then every wrinkle on your face becomes a radiant badge of honour for each time you got back up when you were down.

There is beauty in each blemish, there is magic in each mark and such wisdom you have learned along your way.

So let each wrinkle twinkle, smile and let each crease be loved because you’ve earned it with each passing of the day.

Claire Lucia-Wright

New Home

I've moved.

Head over to www.joyfulspark.co.uk and find me there.

XX

A New Year Revolution

Yes, you read that correctly. 2017 has arrived and brought with it, once again, the promise of a new start. A chance to wipe the slate clean and recreate a happy new you.



Shop windows are adorned with pictures of salad eating, sportswear clad people utilising all kinds of ungodly exercise equipment. Telling us that we can and more than that, should, starve and sweat our way to being something more desirable.



Adverts for gyms, low fat foods, diet supplements and meal plans all shout the message loud and clear. We need to change. Well I’m saying the only thing we need to change is our attitude towards ourselves.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to improve and grow. By all means if we want to tone up or lose weight or whatever, we should do that. We should however do it because we want to and not because January says we should. As far as health fads and weight loss goes, thin doesn’t necessarily mean happy. I’ve been thin and it was one of the most joyless times in my life. That’s not to say I was miserable because I was thin, that had nothing to do with it, but the two don’t go together and losing 2 stone isn’t going to be the magic wand we are programmed to believe it is.

If we have indulged at Christmas and gained a bit of insulation I’m pretty sure it’s going to drop off once we return to our normal routine. We don’t need to join a gym that we will got to for a month and pay for until the end of the year. We don’t need to starve ourselves with grapefruit diets and carrot sticks. Life is short and you’d better believe I’m going to eat cake!

The most unhealthy thing about a January health kick is the way it can make us feel – like we aren’t okay as we are, we aren’t enough. What is that about? We are fine as we are and we need to celebrate what makes us who we are, not try to change that person.
Happiness comes from within so if you want to throw yourself head first into a pursuit, let it be to find what motivates you, what stirs your soul and makes you excited to get up each day. Or to find a place of quiet contentment within you that you can enjoy in each moment of your being.

Let’s embrace our so called imperfections, they are souvenirs from a life well lived and of lessons learned. They are evidence of our happy moments and our battle scars from victories won. Let’s be proud of all we have achieved, however small or insignificant we might feel it is. It’s brought us here to this moment.

What if instead of trying to change who we are we use that energy to look back at how far we have come? Look at everything we have achieved in the last year and try to build on that. Resolve to accept ourselves and love the bits we struggle to love.

I for one will be happy and comfortable in my size 16 clothes and the body that lies beneath them. As for the person that lives inside all that, well I bloody love her too!

Don’t try to change who you are, celebrate it, because you’re amazing.

Happy New Year Everyone, be kind to yourselves.

Your Own Worst Critic or Your Own Best Friend

You’re useless!  Stop being such a pathetic coward. Grow up, don’t be such a baby. Idiot! Why did you say that? Now everyone knows how stupid you are. You can’t do anything right! I don’t even know why you bother to try! Just be quiet and stop annoying everyone.

Does this sound like something you would say to somebody?  I’d like to presume answer is no (if it’s not, we can’t be friends).  The words are cruel, vile and unnecessary and the thought of saying something like this to another person is vulgar. Yet, I’ve been guilty of saying these words many times over in the past and still do from time to time – not to anyone else, that’s unimaginable, but to myself.

To judge ourselves harshly, to berate and loathe ourselves seems to be socially acceptable and an ugly part of human nature.  We seem to somehow justify it. It’s as if it’s okay to treat ourselves in this awful way, a way in which we would never dream of treating another living being.

I really think we need to start being a lot kinder to ourselves, to show patience and compassion.  To realise that it’s okay to be scared, unsure, weak, tired and falible to - that’s part of being human.  Nobody expects us to be perfect, so why on earth do we expect this of ourselves. Setting such unachievable standards is a guaranteed road to failure. Putting so much pressure on ourselves is what leads to the self loathing when we don’t live up to our own expectations.  We feel so angry when we think of our own inadequacy that the only emotions we can feel are bad ones.

It’s one of those vicious circles that keep us spiralling downward. The worse we feel the more we hate ourselves, the more we hate ourselves the worse we feel, until eventually we are a blithering wreck with no confidence or drive.

So what if instead we try to talk to ourselves as if we were talking to a friend, or better yet the child version of us? Would you really want to make a child feel so worthless, sad and scared?  Of course not, only a sociopath would want to bully a child.  

What if we were to carry around a picture of the little version of us, either in our head or as a photograph on our phone, and look at that picture every time we start telling ourselves we aren’t good enough and imagine what we’d say to that child instead?  In our heart, aren’t we all just the child version of ourself, trying desperately to get through this crazy life unscathed?

Perhaps it’s time we came to our own defence? To stand up against the part of us that is quick to bite, to judge and to scold and instead to say, “It’s okay, you did your best and your best is good enough – and I love you little one, you’re doing fine”.

DON'T PANIC...(But If You Do, That's Okay).

It's easy to talk about how there's nothing to feel ashamed of when you have a mental health condition. There's no need to feel embarrassed any more so than if you have a headache or a cold. I tell people all the time and I firmly believe it. But saying it is one thing, feeling it when you are having a panic attack, or in the midst of a depressive episode, is quite another.

I recently had a bit of a set back and found myself having a panic attack at work.  My managers were great, my colleagues also. Everyone was so supportive and yet I felt like I had failed. I felt weak, and like I had let myself down.  I was a disappointment, embarrassed and ashamed.  I felt all the things I so strongly believe nobody should have to feel because of something that isn't their fault. So why did this feel like it was my fault?  I should have been able to stay in control, stay composed, swallow down those feelings. I've been there before, right? Shouldn't I have a handle on it by now?

When I thought of people at work seeing me in such a dishevelled state I was mortified. My swollen eyes, puffy face, hyperventilating, out of control in panic.  A panic I couldn't stop from building up, sweeping over me washing me away to a place where I couldn't feel my feet on the ground.

Obviously, rationally I know its okay to go through stuff.  I know my mind is as unique as the next person, we are all wired differently and some of us are prone to these feelings.  I know it isn't my fault and it's okay to break down from time to time.  I know all that and yet I still feel these feelings.

But do you know what?  That's okay too. I'm not going to sit and dwell on these feelings because that is only going to make me feel worse. They will pass in time and I'll once again come to the point where they don't embarrass me any more and I don't cringe and recoil at the memory.

But, until then I'll live with it, accept it and forgive myself for feeling like I need to forgive myself.  Moving forward one day at a time on this journey that is my life, trying to understand what makes me tick until I can live happily and comfortably in my own head again.